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2000-06-12 - 15:54:45 I talked to Ry this weekend . . . Ry Ry Ry . . . He called and we had a really good talk, kept it real and fun - he's coming into town for my birthday! Yay! He'll be here for my Sunday night Mushroom trip - I have wanted to do mushrooms with Ry very much -- Tripping like that lets you see someone's pure self - and in some sense it bonds you to them. And tripping on mushrooms is so gentle and fun, it brings out the best in you - I know we'll have a good time.As soon as I invited Ry, I realized later that Jim was already coming up for the weekend, and things might be awkward for Jim-La-Ry-Leslie having Ry there - but its up to Ry to come or not and he assured me he really wants to come and that it will be a good time - and I know it will- I wish we could all just hang out and keep it simple - Last night I went out with Leslie and Yun to the bar where La works - The main problem is that Leslie had promised to hang out with Chrissie that day, and Chrissie and La vehemently hate each other - so we ended up having Chrissie down to the bar and it could have turned into a big brew-ha-ha, but it was karyoke night and Yun and I provided comic relief and kept the evening light -- In the middle of the blue Leslie stopped and told me how beautiful she thought I was and how strong she thought I was and how she thought I deserved for someone wonderful to fall in love with me - She said she found me attractive and that she loved me (her meaning in context was a frienship/sister love) and it was so touching to me that she had thought so much of me - and it was also hard to hear, I don't stop to think of myself in the ways she was speaking of - I mean I know I'm attractive blah blah blah, but I guess I think of that in terms of how someone would pick me up in a bar - I never think of myself as being beautiful or loveable to someone who already knows me, someone who is on the road to "enlightenment" so to speak. And it made me think of Ry - Of how hard I am trying to be strong - I told him on the phone that I wasn't coming to visit him in California even though there's nothing I would rather do than spend a weekend there - and I can afford the ticket now - but I told him that I didn't want to complicate his life - because that's what would be going on. We'd have a wonderful time together and trip and maybe have sex and whatever - but it would just stir things up and it's better just to be friends. Maybe if I look like a friend and act like a friend and quack like a friend I will someday feel like a friend - as it is I always seem to feel so much more. I wrote a poem yesterday, scraps of one anyway while lying on the couch in the sun . . .: Something about you is so smooth Something about you is so warm Something about you is so deep Ok well I only have a minute of my lunchbreak left - I want to see if I can find the roof and find a way to sunbathe on my future lunch hours . . . previous /next |
