2000-06-26 - 20:49:55

So we went to Huntsville on Friday - we found ourselves to be unwelcome everywhere- we have no friends left in Huntsville, noone wants to be around us - Is it any wonder? I guess not, considering the drama and the drunken brawls - On thursday Ryan and Jason were playing, but they were drunk, and Jason ended up smashed through his own wall. Typical.

We went to hang out with Ryan - and I found him to be more real than I have seen him since New Years - me and Larissa and Jim in general are getting along and are chill - but when we hang out with Ryan the tension is immense - I feel like I saw Ryan for the first time, saw him rubbed raw. This thing with Jim and him and Larissa is tearing him apart, and its not getting any easier. I guess I thought we could all get together and talk and work things out, but I realized that the tension is bigger than everyone, and it's not going to go anywhere. Ryan is simply obsessed with Larissa - he is in competetion with Jim and won't give up - he said he has invested too much and he's not going to back down - ever. He is prepared to do whatever it takes for however long it takes to win her undivided attention and love - And it was sad to me to hear him say that because we all know that is impossible. And because its just masochistic.

I realized that I am no longer in love with Ryan. Everything I said to my mom in Chicago - about being in love with him and waiting for him, waiting to be there for him when things didn't work out with Larissa, waiting for the time when he feels like he's had enough and wants a different kind of lover and discovers me all over again - What craziness that is. I guess I just grew up all of a sudden - I haven't lost my desire for love or my idealism about it, but I have lost my desire to be with anyone, lost my desire to be with Jim or Ryan not just now but in the future.

I see so much more now than i did before. Ryan and I talked about us, and he told me how he gave me the shaft all of these months because he just couldn't see past his own crisis, because he was stressed and was constantly in turmoil over Larissa/him/Jim and just couldn't even breathe - and so he wasn't able to reach out to me. Ryan was so open this weekend, I couldn't believe it - he was not open in the sense that he was able to recieve, but open in terms of harsh realness - he was just here I am this is it this is me and I'm in pain.

All of this pain that we've been through - it has meant so much to us, it has changed us and grown us and made us stronger. It has been worth it. I have been lucky because I faced alot of this a few months ago, faced the ultimate rejection but was shown enough love from my friends to be able to get through it and learn to love myself. I feel good about my connections with Jim and Ryan and Larissa -

So yesterday Larissa and I were sitting by the pool in the early afternoon and Jim came down to join us - He said something about driving home and I just looked at him and I said "Stay" and the way I said it had weight and he knew I wasn't just talking about stay a few hours or overnight - and Larissa immediately echoed "Stay" and it was clear she was inviting him to live with us. And so I believe he will live with us - and it makes me so happy. Of course its clear that Jim and I aren't going to be romantic or have sex or anything - After the time I spent hanging out with Larissa and Jim this week its clear to me that they're in love - really in love - There's been no fighting, only caring and openness. I want Jim to live with us just because I like him, just because I miss having him in my daily life like he was for 2 years - having him around this week has brought me much joy - and it has brought Larissa joy too, she is so happy and relaxed.

I realized that the whole time I wanted Ryan to get with Larissa it was only my selfishness - it was only me wanting things to work out between them because I loved Ryan and I would have chosen Ryan and I wanted Ryan - when I let go of that now I can truly see Larissa for who she is and what position she's in - and its a scary place to be to have people who don't just love you, who NEED you and who WANT you - and when Jim is around I see how much he is his own person, but how much he cares and gives too. Maybe its just because I've been with Jim and I know how wonderful he is - but it really scared me to see the desperation in Ryan, the way he loved and hated Larissa - And knowing them and finally getting a little perspective on this - I really think that Jim and Larissa are meant to be, are much more suited, and I have thought that secretly since I met them, when I was first in love with Jim and living on Avery street and they would bust out with the same kinds of jokes and I could never joke with Jim like that - They are both strong enough for each other -

And this time I'm not saying that because I want Ryan for myself - Ryan missed the boat with my long ago and now, while my appreciation and respect for him grows continually - in my heart I have closed the door