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2000-06-22 - 18:07:32 I never did write about my dream the other night . . . it was last week, so it isn't in reference to anything going on with me now, but still, I wanted it to be written down. In my dream I was visiting the lake house and Grandma and Grandpa Green were still alive - and better than that they were healthy and spunky. We were in town for the wedding of one of my cousins who was marrying the brother of Bob Dylan, who was also there. Aunt Jane asked me about my wedding and in the dream I was very concious of the fact that I had been married and had had a large wedding with Jim as my husband - but that Jim and I weren't divorced but weren't together anymore. Jim was not in my dream at all. Later in the dream we were having a large family dinner at Betty and Jerry's house, only the table was high in the air and we were all sitting on chairs/benches that were 6 feet tall at least. Everyone had to climb to reach their seats.I'm not sure what it all means, but I think what is most significant is my view of myself as a wife and Jim as my estranged husband and good friend. I've never in my concious life thought of myself as married before - it was strange to think of myself that way. In other news . . . My life is going on. I am looking forward to this weekend and going out of town again and seeing Ryan some more, but in general I am sad. Jim is sleeping in Larissa's bed this week, as I thought he would. I don't think I'm going to have any more sex with him - I just can't take the heiarchy that has developed within our friendships. The energy is all good between us when we're together and I really enjoy the time I spend with Larissa and Jim and Ryan - the old drama really has dissipated. But our sleeping arrangements are very symbolic to me of our relationships - When Ryan's around Larissa sleeps with him and Jim sleeps with me. When Ryan's not around, Jim is her second choice and Jim sleeps with her and I sleep alone. So Larissa is Jim's default first choice and Ryan's is hers - and from now on when Jim is here and he doesn't sleep with Larissa I think I'm going to tell him he can't sleep in my bed - not because I don't want him to because I do I do I do- but because I feel devalued, lonely -last. The only way I can think of not to feel that way, is not to put myself in that position. Its funny how Jim Ryan Larissa can seem like my whole world and can occupy all of my free time and thoughts - then when I talk about this with someone like Steve, I realize how ridiculous and obsessive and fucked up in general all of this sounds. Steve thinks we have issues - enough to fill a magazine rack. But he's also really kind and accepting of me - I dig Steve. previous /next |
