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2000-07-07 - 23:32:33 Larissa is out of town and so Jim and I have been left to ourselves for the next couple of days. Last night we hooked up with Leslie and Chrissie and Yun and made spaghetti and drank wine and we rented a movie (Fight Club � wow it was powerful. That�s why people should be film-makers, I can dig Jim and Ryan�s desire to make films totally after watching a movie like that) We pulled the television out to their back porch so that we could smoke outside while we watched the movie--it was a warm Atlanta night and we had a good time. Whenever we are in a group of people, Jim is a lot of fun. As soon as we are alone just the two of us, Jim is instantly bored. Today he came home from his new job and picked up his bass and started playing � no conversation with me at all. So then we clean up a little and I scrub the kitchen floor on my hands and knees really hard and then afterwards I come to the couch to have a cigarette and maybe some conversation, but Jim just picks up a book and starts reading it as if I am not even there. I�ll be glad when Larissa is back in town if only because I will actually have some conversation around this house again. This summer is going to be a lesson in self-esteem for me, I can already tell.And Steve is giving me the brush-off. We keep making half-ass plans to get together, stuff like � Why don�t we do something tommorrow � ok, gimme a call� but then one or the other of us isn�t home and the call isn�t returned or something � so he feels that its all on my part, that I�m giving him the shaft. When really it isn�t about plans at all � my feelings are hurt that he isn�t making an effort with me at all anymore. No more friendly pals at work, no more drop bys to my desk, no more random calls just because, no more drop-bys to my house at night, no more �Let me take you out for a drink�s - just general half-assed ness all around and on top of that he�s been making dinner and drink dates with my friend Digel � But instead of just being up front and casual about his plans with her he always says he�s �got shit to do� or he�s �got plans� and is very vague � Then of course Digel comes up to me and tells me how they�re going on a date. But he doesn�t ask me out anymore. Do I really want to date Steve? I don�t know. I spent the whole spring sort of keeping him at bay because I thought I was leaving, because I really hadn�t worked all my shit out about Jim and Ryan, because I�m not super-turned on by him. Then why does it bother me when we become more distant? Is it because I like him a lot more than I thought I did? Or because I miss the positive attention and am needy for someone to be in love with me at all times? I don�t know if I should blow him off, or fight to get him back in my life. I am already sorry that I�m staying. The months stretch out in front of me once again all together in one big endless line of coke on a mirrored ground and when I look into it I see the face of stagnation. In the little Tao meditation book I�m reading there�s a page about site � It says that you should live in a place where the people and animals and plants are healthy and where there is spiritual energy for you, and when a place is ruined or the energy has left, you should find a new spot of vitality and move there. I feel that the vitality has left this place. I keep telling myself how smart it is to stay here, because the money I save will make my travel dreams come true and will help me to start a new life somewhere else- but I am afraid of dying in this place before then. Its strange, sometimes during the day I feel that everything is so wonderful, my dearest friends live here and I have some money and some respect at my job and I�m learning guitar and I feel that life couldn�t be better � I am thrilled to be alive and feel that this is the best time in my life. Other times I feel like I�m in purgatory waiting to get on to my real existence, which can�t start until I leave the corporate sell-out job I have, don a bearskin vest and go out into the wilderness to eat grasshoppers. I know ultimately the monastic life I want for myself will be self-righteous and short lived � but right now I just don�t have the energy to sustain an Atlanta lifestyle of social interaction and social drugs anymore. I want to live on mushrooms and let myself go crazy if that�s where I�m going. previous /next |
