2000-07-10 - 12:25:39

I guess my reasoning behind the total change of sexual reasoning on my part is that I fell out of love with Ryan. And when I did, I had no one in my heart to look forward to. I was no longer saving myself for the ideal of Ryan or having only special love-oriented sexual encounters.

And seeing Jim and La together the last couple of weeks has also changed me- because they are in love beyond normal love - When La was out of town last weekend Jim stayed up late one night talking and he told me how he felt about her, how he felt about life - and I realized that even with Jim I have never felt the kind of love they have. They are truly spiritual twins, the seperated halves of each other - not the cheesy term "soul mates" - but they truly think and feel along all the same wavelengths and they love more intensely than I have ever seen before. And I realized that I have never felt like they feel and I don't know if I ever will - I mean I'm sure I'll fall in love again sometime but I don't know if I will ever find a love of that intensity.

So it occurred to me that I may never find my twin out there, and even if I do fall in love again with anyone, it will be a long long time. I am just not there right now. I just can't feel anything for anyone right now. I am not in a place to meet someone new or to expend any energy with him. I am simply not going to be in an open place for love for a year or two and in the meantime, I like sex and I am going to want to fuck.

Having sex when you're in love is this amazing on fire wonderful blissful passionate all-encompassing total sensual sexual experience - its different when you're not with someone you're connected with like that. For a long time I thought if it wasn't going to be like that, I didn't want to bother. But now I realized sometimes you just want to fuck. Sometimes you just want the sensory experience. And really, what is the difference in intimacy level between naked petting/oral sex/intercourse -- really there's little difference.

So I was in the mood for sex and had sex with Ricardo. Unfortunately, it was a comedy of errors and everything went wrong and it just didn't work out to be good sex. Ricardo couldn't get it up. And he kept trying to have sex with me anyway, and it just kept falling out of course. And honestly except for a few brief moments, I couldn't feel him inside of me at all (he's a bit small). And the condom broke and we had to put one on 3 times. I think I'm hot and good in bed, but this kind of thing makes you second guess yourself -Is it me? Am I just not turning him on? I don't mean to be hard on Ricardo, you know I dig him and I'm sure he has good sex too-He really wasn't sweatin over it afterwards, and neither am I. Its just that bad sex can put you in a funk. Nobody digs bad sex.

So here I am.

I am dissappointed about missing the drive to California with La. Very very sad, much more sad than I thought I would be. I know that taking this new supervisor position and staying till January will be the best thing for me financially, then La and I can go globe-trotting - but still I miss the dream of our trip this fall. La and I had also planned a smaller week long trip in the next few weeks to go back to Huntsville and stay awhile in "Hotel California," La's parent's home from her college years. Its huge and it has a sauna and her parents aren't going to be there for a couple of weeks. Jim and Ryan and La lived there together for a summer a few years ago and it has meaning for them, and I have never been to any of La's homes or ever seen her side of Huntsville, so I was looking forward to going. But Jim made it very clear to me that they had planned a romantic trip and I wasn't invited. The conversation went like this:

(we were talking about Huntsville, visiting Jason etc)

Jim: " . . . I'll be taking a week of work week after next so we can go to Huntsville and stay at La's house."

Me: "Yeah, I have several holiday and vacation days saved up too. I'm really looking forward to going back to Huntsville to see Jason, and to finally seeing La's house."

Jim: "I'm sorry, I think you misunderstood. We meant me and La. La planned for the two of us to go alone. "

Me: " Oh, well, I can dig you two having your own romantic trip, Its just that La and I made plans a few weeks ago about this. But I guess she has changed her mind."

Jim: "A lot of things have changed in the last two weeks."

I'm dissappointed.

So in my heart I'm thinking about taking off on my own for Colorado with the small amount of money that I will have saved up. I could take a bus, see the country on my way, go see Ryan, or I could just go to colorado. But that would leave Larissa with a lease and no roomate here in Atlanta. Four more months really can't be that much longer. I can take a class in photography, or drawing, or take harmonica lessons or kickboxing - I can buy a camera, I can stick it out. I'm just in a funk right now - I'm feeling jaded.

I'm a smoking bitch, too - up to 1/2 a pack a day, which doesn't sound like much but I'm one of those people who doesn't really consider herself "a smoker" - I know I can't kick it until I'm no longer around the chimney twins -- seeing them smoke (and look so cool doing it!) makes my body crave a smoke.