2000-08-01 - 03:10:54

And Jim told me something grave that I haven't been able to get out of my head since. He said that the night of my birthday, Ryan and him fought and really faced the idea of killing each other, allthough they didn't harm each other-- And that Ryan told Jim that he had killed 2 people. Murdered. Dead. Beat them to death. One of them was this guy who was bothering his sister Heather. Ryan (and possibly someone else - not sure if it was a group or Ryan alone) beat him, fucked him up. But Ryan says they didn't stop. They left him on the ground to die.

Did he leave them, this guy and someone else like him, to die? Or did he just beat them really bad? Or did he check the pulse and know for sure before he left the scene that this guy had no pulse? Or did he just tell this to Jim to scare him? Or does Ryan believe he killed people and didn't? I'm deeply disturbed.

Ryan is capable of outright cold lying. And he is capable of lying to himself, I believe. He told me he was raped by a man who was an older boy scout on a boy scout trip. Is this what he really believes, the fantasy he concocted for himself? Or does he know who it is? Is it someone in his family an does he lie on purpose? Does it even matter at all who it was?

In any event, it scares me to know that Ryan would beat someone to the point of death, whether the guy(s) actually dead or not. (I can't imagine realistically that they actually died - Wouldn't that be murder? Homicide? Wouldn't the police investigate and wouldn't something bad come down on Ryan?) I can totally understand the protection of Heather. I can understand a fight or a warning - But a bloodbath? Whatever the case is I think Ryan is dangerous. More dangerous than anyone. Because Ryan isn't capable of controlling his RAGE. And he has a lot of it. And he suppresses all anger - When it does come up - What happens? In may ways I think Ryan and I are alike. I did lose control and I did RAGE at Jim and try to kill him that night in Vancouver. I guess we all have some part of that in us if we're human. But I don't believe I have the rage to the level that Ryan does.

And it is sad to me to think of Ryan and Jim's friendship which at one time was the closest most loving in the world. To this day I know they both love each other - But I really don't forsee them even attempting friendship again. Or at least not for a few years.

I realize that this is really THE END.

The end of the drama/saga/friendships that came before. The end of the crazy pain drama that we embarked upon last August when Larissa came back into our lives, when we did extasy and when we road tripped to Canada. We have all outgrown it. It has all come to pass. We are all ready to be alone and to move on to an existence that doesn't include each other. For now, Ryan has reached his breaking point and it is an end of his friendship with Jim and his friendship with me -- And soon we'll all be leaving each other to seek our fortunes in the world alone. Its the end of something magical and mything and beautiful,, too. the end of a dream we shared together that never came to fullness - The end of a beautiful bilssful summertime in our lives, the end of our youth, the end of a joyous time living with and loving Jim, the end of a daily friendship and living with Larissa, the end of indecision, the end of heartache, and the end of the sweetness of this time as well.

I'm glad. I have no regrets. If I had it to do over again I would have done everything the same - made the same mistakes and the same choices and the same magic. I'm only sorry that Ryan is so far away. And that there is no way to really express this sentiment to him. And sorry that there has to be such competition between Jim and Ryan without enough time spent in reconciliation.

And I'm still scared about the dangerous nature of Ryan. I realize I will never fall out of love with him, and will always love the person he was when I knew him intimately at New Years. I think he is different now and I will always welcome the opportunity to know him again - but I understand that he has to seek out what he needs in this life for himself and maybe that's not me. Ryan has an edge that I don't know how to integrate into my conception of him -- colder and sharper than Jim.

Jim said last night that he didn't kick Larissa that night out behind Northside Tavern. Ryan told me he didn't either, that he thought it must be Jim. Maybe no one kicked her, and she remembers it anyway. Maybe Jim was out of control asshole Jim and he did it. Or maybe Ryan meant to do it.