2000-08-06 - 23:46:14

What I realized today that I need is time spent alone each day with myself. I have been reading up on meditation, so maybe eventually I'll try that. But reading a little of my Tao book and spending time just laying awake on my bed and time practicing my guitar or writing in my notebook - all these things are little forms of meditation that do my soul good. I have spent all this time alone and have never once been bored or wished I weren't alone -- and I see that this is the kind of life I mean to lead when I go to Boulder. I know it will do me good.

I don't know how long I'll end up being here in Atlanta. The way things are going, Me and Larissa could leave October 1st, or November 1st, or January 1st - whatever the case I have made some short-term goals for myself-development that I want to reach before I leave. These are:

*to learn to use Adobe photoshop (it's on Larissa's computer and I know I am going to want to be doing more web-design in the future, now is my chance to get the skills necessary to do so)

*to self-publish my poetry (even if its only a little photocopied stapled book of my stuff, I want to feel accomplished and I want to have something to show for myself - I want to be proud of the work I do)

*to write a poem a day (or so. I was reading in my Tao meditation book the other day that everything can be a poem, raised deer fur, a trickle of blood in the gutter, sunlight on whitewashed walls -- and that those who wish to know Tao better should cultivate the poet in themselves. I read htis and I realized that my path of self-cultivation begins with poetry - and there's no reason I can't a poem every day for my own joy, even if it never becomes anything more.)

*to improve on the guitar (this means practicing.)

And I've thought alot about my future, and who I want to be when I grow up (hahahaha) and I looked in the mirror today and you know what? I think I'm someone unique and what I want for myself is to travel and to continue the path of self-cultivation that I'm on. So to that end I've made some plans for myself for the next couple of years -- it will be interesting to see whether things turn out this way or not. My future plans go like this:

*Move to Boulder -- where I will become a smelly hippie. I will spend my time alone thinking and writing and playing guitar and hiking and camping. I will own very little. I will meet other bohemians and hang out in coffee shops and blues bars. I will eek out a funky me-centered existence. By the time I leave there, I will know how to sing and I will have started writing poems for the guitar. By the time I leave there next August, I will be well on my way to being Bob Dylan.

*Go to Romania with my mom, then travel Europe -- where I will become one of those backpacking hippie types. I will spend time working with Orphans with my mom, then generally sight seeing and broadening my view of the world. I will find out what, if anything Germany and/or Poland has in store for me. I will sharpen my mind and my tongue for languages and my cultural appreciation. The time spent here would be anywhere from 3 months to 3 years.

*Come back to North America, meet up with Larissa, and put myself out there -- I will get the ball rolling for publishing my poetry or touring as a folk singer or as a spoken word poet -- I might even get together to do something creative with Ryan/Jim/Larissa depending on what projects they're working on. But in general, I am going to make myself known to this world and make a mark on it somewhere.

And eventually, of course, I plan to end up in Vancouver -- where pot is almost legal, where there is a state-sponsored needle exchange, where me and Larissa can happily marry, where Deanna my moon sister is, where flowers bloom and grass is green and the ocean is on your doorstep.