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2000-09-14 - 00:31:44 I spent last night staying late in my office at work helping Jim write his film school application essay and going through the photographs that Jason gave me on cd this weekend. They say that a picture can say a thousand words, and I believe that is true. There is nothing I can say about our time at New Years that these pictures don't reveal. What was strangest to me about looking through all the pictures from New Years over again was that it wasn't at all like looking at pictures of me and my friends, everyone in the pictures looked like strangers . . . I barely recognized myself. Looking over the pictures made me realize why it is that people stopped wanting to hang out with us. And it made me realize how much we've all grown and changed this year.I'm feeling better today, I woke up feeling more purpose in life. I'm taking each day and trying to make the most of it -- work towards my goals a little each day and also take time to feel the joy of human existance, what it is that makes living each day precious. My time spent with Jim has been very precious to me lately too. He's talking of going out to California for school, and allthough I'm not 100 percent sure that things will work out for him, he's really working towards his own goals this time -- Whenever we talk about this summer or Atlanta or Larissa, we don't get sad or cry or anything -- I just look in his eye and I can see everything. Once you've seen each other naked you don't have to remove your clothes anymore -- That's how I feel about things with Jim. He really sees me and I see him and we don't have to trouble ourselves with talking about it anymore -- I feel like we are twin siblings sometimes -- not the kind who are identical, but the kind that are total opposites but who know each other deeply. Something strange did happen between us the other night -- Jim cut his tounge after licking a razor blade. His tounge dripped with blood -- And we ended up in a kiss. It was sexy, but also momentary, not because either of us were holding back but because things with me and Jim are so far in our past there is really no spark between us anymore. When I went to my bedroom for sleep that night he held my hand a bit longer and gave me a very small kiss -- We still have intimacy, but we no longer need to express it sexually, there was no desire between us. We didn't say anything about it to each other, and its not something big enough to be mentioned to anyone else- it was simply understood. I don't feel sorry for Jim for all that is happening because I know we all need to make our own way in this world and I feel that that is happening, and I'm glad Jim came to live because it has been good to know him again, but in another way I'm sorry he came, because he got his hopes up for something that wasn't here for him, and so did I , and we had no way of knowing that ahead of time. It has taught me a very good truth however -- to base my life on my own purpose and convictions and desires only. previous /next |
