2000-11-25 - 19:20:30

It has occurred to me lately how much humans crave touch. They say that babies especially need touch and a baby who is not touched at all in the first couple of weeks afer birth will die -- or babies that aren't touched very much growing up will be unhealthy unhappy children. As an adult, I know how important touch is -- my dreams and my poetry are very sensory oriented and I find my memory is stimulated more by a rememberance of a touch or a physical sensation than by a visualization or a sound. I am sure the reason I am always going out and getting myself involved with a man at the drop of a hat has to do with my desire for intimacy of touch -- just to be hugged, kissed, held, etc. So Touch is important to me and all people I guess.

And I think sometimes about my mom -- who has been celibate since 1981 and who lives alone and has noone - no parents, family nearby, and friends not close enough for real snuggling - I think that she must really long for touch as much as the next human. And I love her dearly and know that a backscratch or a footrub or a backrub or a snuggle session would mean the world to her -- but for some reason night after night she sleeps in my bed with my at my apartment and I don't curl up next to her and we don't hug. Its not that I'm being cold, its just that I don't initiate -- and I really wonder what that's about.

I don't want her to look back on her life and think that her daughter doesn't love her, because I do - but her visit is almost over and we haven't really connected. She tries to start conversations with me that would bring us closer --conversations about my childhood or our family or dreams or love -- but I don't really open up to her. Is it because she's my mom and this is natural for young people not to open up to their parents? Is it because I'm afraid she'll think I'm not strong and smart and well-adjusted if I cry and hug her and talk to her openly? Is it because I am afraid of hurting her feelings and seeing her cry if we talk too honestly about the past? Is it because my friends have superceded my family's role in my life and now I consider them a higher priority than my mother and don't need her insight? Or am I just a bitch?? I really don't have any guilt anymore over anything in my life, but I still allow myself to feel guilty for not being closer with my mom, allthough on the otherhand I am fine with the way things are and don't really want to be closer -- but just saying that makes me feel worse.

She turned out to be way cool about the smoking. She said that in my house we went by my rules and if I wanted to smoke in my own house and my own city then that's cool because I am an adult -- she finally finally finally is acting towards me the way I always wanted her to -- she finally is letting me be me and not be christian and smoke cigarettes and she isn't asking me to change, she is finally accepting my life and decisions and treating me like a friend and colleague and its wonderful.

She's taking a class on Jungian psychology and dream interpretation and she's been telling me all about it -- Which is precisely what I'm interested in at the moment so we have had some good discussions in this area. She tells me that according to her teacher and Jung that dreams aren't just a hodgepodge of what's going on in your head -- that dreams are actually messages from our unconcious that are meant to benefit us. She also tells me that almost every person in a dream is really symbolic of our own selves. For instance, mom says that I appear in her dreams unexpectedly from time to time not as myself but as a symbol of wisdom and love . . . Of course sometimes I've had dreams where I woke up with a specific message before -- but in most cases it never occured to me to take dream interpretation one step deeper and ask myself not just what this dream means but what is the message for my life - what could this be telling me to do or change or focus on. I am inspired and am really going to try and concentrate on my dreams and write them down more and I also plan to go to the library Monday and check out some books on dream interpretation and some Jung -- I look forward to the discovery :)

It occurs to me that maybe I'm not making an effort with my mom because I'm out of energy alltogether - maybe it doesn't always have to be this way with her but maybe I'm not putting effort and meaning into this visit because of my own melancholiness lately.

This week does happen to be the first Thanksgiving I have spent without Jim, and I miss him terribly - I guess I must feel about him the way my mother feels about me - I don't miss him like a friend so much as a piece of myself, my family. I'm sure anyone who reads this is getting tired of hearing it, but I miss my family -- my Jim and my Larissa, and even my Paul. It just doesn't seem possible that a holiday can be a momentous or meaninful occasion without sharing it with them -- and I'm not. I barely speak to Larissa and Jim anymore and I feel very removed from the collective conciousness we shared last fall and this spring. I realize that there is something inherent about my nature that really wants to be affiliated with a group - that derives purpose out of friendship and that craves the company of loved ones. And my dearest loved ones are Jim and Larissa. And without them I either ignore any other loved ones, or find myself trying to have meaningful times with strangers and it just doesn't happen. An aquaintance here told me that humans weren't meant to share so deeply with others and I have to learn to appreciate my own spirituality and discoveries by myself-- but I do have a need to find share on a deep level. And I know that. So I am either going to have to change myself and learn to live ALONE - or I'm going to have to move out West because this whole living alone/spending holidays without Jim and Larissa/noone to really share with thing just isn't working for me at all.