2000-12-11 - 20:20:47

And to top it all off, there are some diaryland cliques that require you to update frequently in order to be a part of them, and I don't update frequently. Not that I'd want to be in anyone's stupid clique anyway, but I do want to be eligible to be a part of them and conciously choosing not to, as opposed to being left out. Its all psychological.

So I'm working my ass off and not writing and so something in my life has got to give. And do you know what I've decided is the answer to all of this? QUIT MY JOB and MOVE AWAY.

I know I've said that before but this time, I really mean it. I've had some interesting developments happen in my life in the past couple of weeks that I'm taking as signals, as signs, as spiritual nudges towards my true path.

SIGN #1 - My apartment manager is THE MAN.

Ok, I didn't have heat for the whole month of November. I have a nasty bathroom with leaks and crap that noone will fix. They came in my apartment without notice to remove the space heater they loaned me and stole one a friend gave me. I live on the ground floor and they removed the security bars and didn't replace them and I feel unsafe there. I called and left a billion messages with different people that weren't returned.

Today I went down there to discuss moving out and I just happened to catch the big enchilada himself. So I ask him to sit down with me and talk for a minute about my rental problems and he offers me a seat and I sit down but he did not. He stood up looming in front of me and did not sit in the chair next to me the whole time I was there! Unless this guy is incontinent and was standing up for some kind of gastro-intestinal reason that I cannot fathom, then this is just plain rudeness. He was sugar-sweet with me but never direct.

When I asked him why he didn't return my messages his excuse was that "I have 500 tenants in different properties and everyone's lease has my name on it so all of the issues get escalated to me and I can't possible call everyone back." (Wrong answer buddy. Discuss the issue with someone. Have your secretary call me back with your answer or write me a letter. But don't ignore me and pretend my problems will go away.) So of course I approached him respectfully and courteously but directly about all my issues and he responded that if I left I would be breaking my lease. No negotiation, no discussion.

This guy is not even 30 years old and I realized as I talked with him that I was talking to THE MAN. And THE MAN is just as alive and just as white today as he has ever been. So I'm taking this as a sign that I'm not meant to live in this apartment building.

Sign #2 I work for THE MAN

Ok, I used to work for a company that recently got bought out by another one. Most of the changes that came with this "merger" did not directly affect my department and so I was able to cope -- I love my boss and the people I work with and I'm a good boss to my employees -- I care about them and I've stayed in this company for the people. And also for the money, I admit. My annual bonus this year was estimated to be 3,000 dollars. And I found out this week it's gonna be 300 dollars before taxes. I've worked hard because I thought I was special and my company needed me and I talked to my boss this week and he said to me honestly that I'm living in a bubble. That this is just another big corporation. And I realized that I could get another job like this in a snap. There's nothing special about this place. And I'm replacable. My boss is wonderful, but this company - this company is THE MAN without a face, capable of screwing over 8,000 employees. I don't want to work for a corporation. I don't want to work for the man.

Sign # 3 I've been offered a chance to live in PARADISE

My Dad calls me a couple of weeks ago and he says he wants me to move to Vancouver and live with him. Ahhh Vancouver, the most beautiful place in the world. "But Dad," I protest, "I can't get a decent job in Canada!" And he says that I won't have to work. I won't have to have a job. He'll pay all the bills and even give me spending money of 100 bucks a week to do the things I need to do. He wants to give me A CHANCE TO WRITE MY BOOK and live in a beautiful place and not have to worry about all the things I currently worry about. How can I refuse that offer?

Sign #4 It's NEW YEARS - and A NEW MILLENIUM

Yes it is. A chance for a new beginning. A year to date since all of my last major life changes -- A year since I loved Ryan, a year since I moved to Atlanta. A year. And now there's a new one - and a new millenium. A chance to look back on my life and think to myself that I started my new existence as a real writer, that I started it with the start of the millenium. It sounds cheesy but I really can't think of a better or bigger sign than this to start my life over.

So that's it. I'm doin' it.

In other news . . . I've been trying hard to record my dream life lately. My last few dreams have been strange . . .

I dreamt last night that I was in a class/team environment and we were in this big white room with huge windows and I came into the class a bit late-- I didn't think I had missed any days but when I showed up everyone else had almost finished their projects and I hadn't even known of the assigment. The assignment was to build something with 5 panels -- some people were building cube thingys and some were building kite like objects or sculptures with 5 ascending panels - They were all so creative and beautiful and angular -- it is hard to describe. And I got so excited about designing my project and doing something so creative, it was like being in artschool. I was thrilled. Then I woke up -- and I interpret this dream as a message to me that I need to be using my creativity more. That I have special skills that I can use but I'm not challenging myself.

The night before I dreamt I was visiting my friend Raul. (its strange that it would be Raul, since he was one of my old employees, there's never been anything personal or outside of work between us) Raul is hot. So I was kissing Raul and then I looked around and found that he had several other women around him, and one was his girlfriend. But it wasn't embarrassing, it just WAS -- and I turned and found my cousin Jennifer with me and we all went out to dinner as a group. After dinner we returned home and I was spending the night with Raul, but Raul wasn't there. I woke up in the middle of the night and ran into his mother who was wonderful to me -- she reminded me of Tia Landau from Club Kaya, but she didn't look like Tia -- and we washed dishes together and she gave me some wonderful wisdom I wish I could remember. The next day I found myself in a room with one of my employees Kent and I don't remember what we were doing or talking about but I was topless and not embarassed. He and I were just talking and I think i misinterpreted things and came on to him but he didn't want me to -- he was happy just tlaking to me. We decided to leave, I finished dressing and we were picked up by some friends (my employees) on our way to work and we were in a very strange car accident. The vehicle was a suburban, the really old kind and this girl Kelly was driving. She shaved a bit off the passenger side as she was pulling out of a parking lot and the car from that point on continued to implode from the right hand side only so all of us kept squeezing further and further to the left -- the car was out of control but we didn't crash into any cars, we were just skidding down the highway then off an exit and we finally landed outside this resteraunt -- by that time the car was really small and everyone else had hopped out one at a time. Then i was at work and late for a supervisor's meeting. I tried to explain to everyone that I had just been in a very stressful accident but noone seemed to care. I was in the middle of delegating the duty of showing a training video to my employees when I woke up.

Its harder to interpret this dream. The most significant parts to me were talking to Raul's mom -- because I found her to be a role model. I remember thinking that I wanted to be just like her at her age -- spunky and full of wisdom and warm-hearted and fiery. Just like Tia Landau. As far as the car-accident and the work part at the end -- I think the message for me is that I'm stressing out, on a road heading no-where where the car is imploding, for other's benefit but not my own. Time to get out of the car, and out of the job perhaps.

I dreamt last week that I was at my grandparent's lake house. In my dream my cousin Betty was there and she had another house just up from my grandparents, but not the one she actually lives in in the real world. I was visiting her for some reason and had left the house and I can't remember the sequence of events but I got a large bee-hive stuck to my elbow. I mean LARGE. Bees were everywhere, but I wasn't being stung. Nevertheless I was FREAKING out. Billy Brautigam came by the house and laughed at me - it was a cartoonish sight - but he finally pulled off the hive and I was fine.

And the last dream I had before that one . . .was 2 weeks ago I had the strangest dream about Frank. In my dream I was in a bar with a girlfriend and she left the bar ahead of me. When I went out to meet her at my car (in my dreams my car is always Jim's red Honda civic) I found that she had been brutally murdered, hacked up, blood everywhere -- I looked up and saw Frank with a knife in his hand, laughing maniacly. He had Alice Cooper make-up on his face. I ran back into the bar where there were people and I was safe. But he was out there waiting for me. I left the bar and ran to a neighboring house where I broke in and shacked up with an old woman, but I looked out from the upstairs window and saw Frank again looking up at me. I ran outside and found a poliecman who wouldn't believe my story, apparantly there was a neighbor having a party and all the teenagers were dressed in KISS/Alice Cooper face-paint. I ran back to the bar and tried to solicit the help of a big drunkard to walk out to my car with me and protect me from Frank -- and then I woke up.

I originally took this dream to mean literally that I should stay away from Frank. It was also a weird dream for me because I've never had dreams where I've been pursued before.

I did see Frank again a week or two ago. He came to my house unexpectedly, and I was lucky he did because I was locked out and he helped me to break into my house. We smoked a bowl and hung out. He immediately tried to get me into bed, of course, but I called him on it. I told him that I did miss his conversation because he is so unique and wonderful, but that I could live without his dick. That he hadn't seen me for a month and he hadn't contacted me in that time except to borrow money and that he'd slept with other women and he wasn't getting my pooh. And after that we ate dinner and had a fabulous time. I painted my toenails and his and then we rubbed each other's feet and then we snuggled and fell asleep. He instant messaged me the next day to tell me that he had a wonderful time and liked holding me.

Larissa asked me on the phone the other day how many times I had fallen in love. I told her twice, with one more almost. Jim I loved. Ryan I loved. Frank, I almost fell in love with. I told Frank yesterday that I was going to move away in February, and he asked me if I wanted to take a road trip - I said yes.

I love the idea of traveling around the country with Frank, having sex in the back of his van and seeing the countryside, on our way to California. And if I don't go with Frank, then I'm going to buy myself one of those Greyhound bus tickets that's 500 dollars for 45 days and I'm going to go to New York to see my cousin Harriet and I'm going to bus it to Cleveland to see Paul and Dallas to see Paul Wayne and Carolyn and to California to see Larissa, Jim and Ryan . . . and then I'll end up in Seattle where my Dad can pick me up. The whole way I'll keep a diary.

I've come up with an idea for my book. I didn't want to leave here until I had a purpose -- I figure that in the time I'll be in Canada not working I'll get some internships unpaid to work in some magazines and build up my resume, meanwhile I'll write a novel -- the novel will be all about saying YES. When I think back on my life I realize that to every major life decision put to me I've always answered YES.

Should I wear a Coconut bra on my birthday? YES. Should I move in with my boyfriend I've known only a month? YES. Should I invite my best girl back into my life after months of hatred? YES. Should we do acid the night before a big move to Canada? YES. Should I bring my best girlfriend on a 10 day drive through Canada with my boyfriend? YES. Should I move back to Atlanta to reunite with said girlfriend? YES.

Should I chuck it all and move back to Canada to write a novel?

YES.