2000-12-19 - 03:42:57

Not that I mind doing things alone. There was a time in my life when I did everything alone. My first couple of years in college I didn't really hang out with other people too much. The summer after my 1st year of college, I moved to Montreat, North Carolina for a job and lived by myself and spent the whole summer reading, or going to movies alone, or hiking the mountains alone, and I didn't mind it. Doing things alone didn't bother me at all. And it doesn't really, until you've had the kind of friend I have in Larissa where you go everywhere together and you're really close.

And now I like to be alone at home when I'm reading, playing guitar, meditating etc. There are plenty of times when i enjoy and prefer my own company. Like being in a coffeehouse with a book and cigarettes is fun alone. There is always the intrigue that you'll meet a lonesome stranger across the room scribbling in a journal or reading from one of your favorite books.

But being alone when you're out and about like shopping or at a bar or running errands is no fun, it becomes something that just has to be done. And I end up just chatting to all the people at the stores just like I would if I had a friend there ("Does this make me look fat?" "Do you think my mom would look good in this? She's kind of busty . . ." etc etc) It really annoys other people. But I can't help it, i just like to talk and pretend I'm with other people. I just miss my best friend.

Its times like these when I think I'm never going to make it until March 1st (my departure date for Vancouver)cuz it really sucks to be down. But then I think of the things I have to look forward to by staying here -- seeing Leslie, seeing David & Pauly, seeing Steev?

Got a date with Steev tonight. (I'm at work while I'm writing this, waiting for him to get off work) I dunno how its going to turn out. Honestly, he makes me have long-term-potential thoughts when I'm around him --like, "He's going to make a great Dad someday" or " I can picture myself waking up in the morning with him after being together 10 years , me going to the computer to write and him making coffee for us and laughing and he kisses me on the cheek and squeezes my shoulder and I look at him with pride like how lucky am I to have such an intelligent funny best friend like him that I also get to live with and have sex with" Steev doesn't know it yet but he's already won a place in my heart.

The trick is on my part how not to scare him off by being too much, or blow him off by trying so hard to be too chill. My challenge is how to show him that I like him and could grow to fall in love with him in time, without being melodramatic and pushy. Its a special balance in the first stages of knowing someone. This is NOT going to be easy for me, but I can't give up on life or love, I can't just let Steev pass out of my life without giving him a real shot and also without earning his respect and friendship. Steev makes me laugh. Steev turns me on. Steev likes beat writers and he listens to jazz. Steve has potential . . .