2001-02-01 - 06:32:35

And it still hurts.

I think about Larissa staying with me and Jim that last week before we left for Canada. Before the three of us had done acid, got it on, and left for Canada. And I remember. I remember how Larissa slept in the same bed with me and Jim each night because it was the only room with airconditioning. And I remember. I remember how one night I slept in the middle between my lover Jim and my sister Larissa and the next night she insisted on sleeping in the middle. Between me and Jim. She said it was her turn. And I didn�t want to cause a scene. And I trusted them. And I let her. Sleep in the Middle. What a fool I was.

And I remember how naive I was. And how the two of them had got together, how they had oral sex while I was at work. And then showed up together to pick me up. And how happy I was to see them. How innocently happy. How glad I was that they weren�t fighting, that they were getting along, that we were one big happy family. What a fool I was.

And later, when I found out. How hurt I was, but how amiable I tried to be. How forgiving I was. How I thought that they were in love and so that made it ok. Because I loved them. And I wanted them to be in love. And then Larissa tells me later she wasn�t in love at all. That it was only lust. What a fool I was.

And that woman on Jerry suddenly didn�t seem so trashy. She started to cry. She asked her sister why did she sleep with her husband. And her sister paraded around the stage and showed off how beautiful she was. And the woman thought herself to be ugly.

And I remember. How I tried to be like her. How Jim told me she could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch. How I felt so bad about myself that I asked her to show me how. I remember. How beautiful he thought she was. How beautiful he thought she was. How not good enough I was or would ever be.

Why didn�t I get angry? Why didn�t I kick him out of my house? Why didn�t I hate them?

I�m starting to see patterns in my life. I remember my parents fighting. I was really little, my mom was on her way to preschool. And I was trying to be so charming, to take their minds off it. Later, when my parents were divorced and living in other countries, I can remember visiting my Dad and playing the violin. Playing my little heart out. Trying to be good enough for him to love me. And my dad had a girlfriend over and they barely listened and I remember how not good enough I thought I was or ever would be.

And I remember how amiable I tried to be. Whenever my Dad asked me what I was hungry for for dinner I always said �anything�. After a couple of weeks he said it was ok for me to tell him what I wanted, it was ok to express my opinion, that he thought I wasn�t expressing my opinion enough. I was so joyful after that I told him everything I wanted and thought. And then he told me I was being too demanding. I could never win when I was a kid.

So I see how I have played out these patterns in my adult life. Tried to be charming to win love. Smooth over difficulties to keep the peace and remain loved. Love the people I hate and hate the people I love (and love the people I love). How I�ve seen love as my virtue and found myself worthless without giving that love.

Things are changing. I�m growing up. I�m learning things about myself. I�m still loving my best friends, because they have truly loved me. I�m learning to stand up for myself, and not be a martyr and not be demanding.

I�m looking forward to the therapy I will be going to this summer in Vancouver.

But it still hurts sometimes.