2001-03-22 - 11:33 a.m.

But now, I'm still on my way there, and I have 2 more weeks before I arrive. I believe strongly in taking a long journey before you move somewhere. Its a preparation of sorts. If you just woke up and got on a plane and then landed straight at your destination, your soul wouldn't have time to adjust - it would be like putting a frog into boiling water -- but the journey lets you let go of the old and prepare your mind for the new place - by the time you actually get there you're looking forward to it and and you're ready to be there.

This time, I've left Atlanta and gone to visit my friend Paul and now I'm at my mom's house - my next destination is visiting Jim and Larissa in California. Of course, I prefer road trips very much to flying around - but Alas road trips do require a couple of things I don't have - namely some kind of vehicle, and a road tripping buddy/girlfriend -

My time spent with Paul was excruciating. I spent 5 days with him fending off his feeble fumbling passes. I tried to be sublte with him - I thought by turning my head when he tried to kiss me, physically removing his arms from my body, and talking about crushes I had on other men would be enought to sort of give him the hint. But sweet Paul did not pick up. I finally had to tell him horrible things like "I don't want you" " I will never sleep with you" etc but still he kept leaning in with his thick nappy goatee to kiss me. Ewww. And on top of that, he was totally depressed and talking about what an old man he was (at 24!) andd his car broke down and so we spent 5 days bored to tears stuck in the same tiny apartment. I feel mean just writing about it like this but you know what? Even if I sound a little cold this is MY diary and if I can't be straight up with myself here, then where can I be?

I learned some lessons from it though. I learned that its better to keep a visit to a friend as short as possible - In the future I won't stay over anyplace more than 2 days (except maybe my closest of close friends) - I also learned that its true that you really can't ever just be friends with a man without sexual tension. I also learned that its much much better to road trip than fly because if you're on a road trip, then you have a car and therefore a means of transportation to remove yourself from unpleasant situations.

Now I'm at mom's and we're actually having the best visit we've ever had together - (except I haven't had a cigarette in 4 days!!) I'm glad I'm here - I'm so proud of her - She's 55 and doing everything she ever wanted to do -She's about to graduate with a masters in Divinity and be an ordained minister - She told me the story of her life last night and I was amazed - I thought I knew everything about my mother but when I sat down to really ask her what it was like to be here and what was the story behind her decision to become a minister, I found that there was so much more to her that I had never bothered to know -

I'm so impressed by how she's pulled herself up in this world and how she's gone head to head against the men who tried to keep her down (my dad, professors, bosses, co-workers) to achieve her goals and to gain really one of the most respected and powerful jobs for a woman, as a minister. And I'm so happy that she's planning to move to Romania and reform orphanages there as a missionary - It gives me great hope to know her because it reminds me that I have my whole life to live, and even in 30 years i can still be traveling and learning and experiencing life and achieving things.

So I'm just going with the flow with her right now and not thinking too much about the things that normally trip me out -- like nostalgia, partying, friendships, problems, lovers, existential crisis etc. My mom's been telling me all the things good mothers say to their children like how smart i am and how much potential I have and how she doesn't think I need therapy and how she is so proud of me and I'm starting to get really pumped about doing what I have set out to do.

We went to Border's last night and I read through a couple of books by Elizabeth Wurtzel, the best-selling author who wrote her memoirs as her first novel at age 27 and who I have held up as a kind of a role model for writing as a young woman -- When I actually sat down to read her stuff I realized that I was as good a writer and that I have my own truths to offer and that I do see things in a special way - I don't think I'm the only person in the world who is like me or who taps into the same philosophy or appreciates the same things about life because I have met others like Leslie and Barbara and Larissa who I feel are all living on my same planet or at least very closely neighboring ones - but I do think that if I put a book out there it would be worthwhile and I don't think that Elizabeth Wurtzel has done anything that I am not capable of doing. I don't necessarily have to get published but I do have to do this for myself. I want to take these ideas and experiences and words that are in me and pull them out of my navel and bleed them out of my arms and be done with it, and only then will my body be empty enough to allow the new things in, to start the next phase of my life, whatever that will be.