2001-03-28 - 11:51 a.m.

I am really enjoying being here with Larissa and Jim. I can�t remember a better time hanging out with them � We had good times in Atlanta, but this week for me is just as good as ever and I feel much better than my last visit here. Last time I was here we had a good time, but something was off with me � I came here in the middle of my funk and so I guess I needed more from them, I was depressed/jealous/needy underneath everything. But this time the vibe is great. I�m impressed that we�ve learned to hang out together and not have to get drunk and that�s a change in all of us that has taken place over time that makes everything feel a little lighter.

But the best part of being here is being around for the little things I missed in my friends that I can�t get from talking on the phone or writing letters: Like the way it feels to be in the car with music on and the windows rolled down and we-be-ridin�, and the way food tastes so much better when its been made by Larissa, and the outlandish facial expressions of Jim as he�s telling a story, and the way Larissa g reaches over unexpectedly with a warm smile and places her bejeweled hand on yours while she�s driving the car, to say I�m glad you�re here � I feel so blessed to have this time and to have such wonderful people in my life.

Larissa and I have been talking about our plan to travel.

Before I left Atlanta Barbara mentioned to me a program where they pay American women 10,000 for a month of stripping in a club in Japan. I know this is an unsavory occupation and quite possibly unsafe, and a venture I would never undertake alone. But it occurred to me (and to Larissa) that we could start a trip off by doing this and then it would give us the money we needed to travel around the world.

I am often criticized for my constant moving and not-settling. And I do very much want to settle � to pick a city, to have a job that I intend to keep and move up in, to build a community of friends and become intimately familiar with a city that is my own, to have a home I actually spend time fixing up - -But these things can�t happen until I have finished doing that which I am uniquely free to do now � Since I have no dependents, no commitments, no car/house payments, and I�m young and my health is good and my curiousity and bravery high � This is the time for me to do the things I can only do now � like take time off from work and visit my dad and write for myself and travel. So I want to make the most of this time.

You know, it was a great leap of faith when I was 18 to leave Texas. All of my friends and family were there and I made a set of concrete goals for myself that included college in another state. After I lived in Atlanta awhile, I still did not picture myself travelling the world but I began to see the world as bigger than the South and so I first began road tripping wherever I could to see the U.S. I can really see growth in myself as I continue to see more and more possibility and the world and I begin to think broader and broader. I really can�t stop thinking about travelling.

The more I think about travelling the more I realize how absolutely ignorant I am. When I think about the countries/peoples of the world I could probably only come up with a few sentences or less describing the sum total of all of my knowledge of life in that place. (Example: I know that Japan is a small country surrounded by water � rice is an integral part of the diet there and sushi originates in Japan. The country has a history of invading China. They speak Japanese. Anime comes from Japan. There are lots of high-rise apartments in Tokyo. This pretty much sums up everything I know about Japan) If there�s one thing I continually learn in life its that I am very small and know very little.

I would love to travel and experience for myself what life would be like if I came from somewhere else, to learn how different and alike we are as people in this world, to see things and know things about the world I couldn�t read in books. I want to go everywhere! I want to be changed by my experiences � I want to understand myself more and others more � I want to be inspired creatively by other cultures, I want to know that I have fully experienced life on this planet before our species attempts to leave it.

And I�m so glad its Larissa that wants to go with me. There is noone else in the whole world I�d rather go with or be with � and I wouldn�t go on a trip of this kind alone (Our route would be generally starting in Japan, going through Asia � China, Tibet, India � then going through Turkey and Greece and ending up Romana where my mom will be, then traveling Europe and North Africa) But really I can�t stress enough how much she means to me and allthough I can�t imagine us being any closer to each other I know a trip of this kind would be amazing together � I would love to see the world with her because we would laugh together and we would protect each other and learn together and because she has such unique perspective on how she views the world, to go with Larissa would add much more meaning to every day. I really cannot wait to go with her.

Our trip is still a year away, at best � and of course I really can�t mention this to anyone, not yet. The whole make-our-money-in-Japan thing would definitely have to be secret from my parents who would be ashamed of me and also protective of me, I know they would want to stop me from going there. And really I can�t talk about it to people other than Larissa because most people don�t get our philosophy of possibility, and because we�re not really sure when we�re going. It could be soon or it could be in a couple of years � so to talk about it too much would just make me seem flaky to others and would just make me anxious to go sooner. But one thing is for sure. When Larissa and I pinky-swear on something, its Forreal. I know this will happen.

In the meantime, I have so much to appreciate in the moment that I feel I am about to burst with joy. I am so happy for Larissa and Jim that they have each other and such a loving life together � and it feels so good to be here with them � and I know when I arrive in Vancouver it will be a pleasure to be with my Dad and my sister and to re-discover the city of my birth. I am also looking forward to all the time I will have to write and self-cultivate � This year is turning out to be one of the best years in my life, and I�m not taking it for granted at all.

The main difficulty I�m going to be having this year is going to be coming to understand myself. Before I go off to travel, or to make my way in this world, or meet a companion in life, I have to prepare myself. That not only entails physical preparation (self-defense classes, getting in shape) but I have to really examine my past and who I am and its something I have been avoiding.

I�m reading this book about personality types, as described by the Enneagram � and it has been very hard to see myself in this book because as I�m reading I�m seeing how my personality is not my essence of who I am; It�s a set of patterns for fending off pain and gaining the love of others that I have superimposed on myself. First of all I hate to read the book and recognize myself in it and realize that I can be pegged so easily. But more than that its hard to face the ugly parts of myself � the underlying �selfish:� motivations. What I�ve thought of in the past as knowing myself was only one part of things � I�ve come to know and appreciate my quirkiness and I�ve come to be friends with this little gem of an inner spirit that is me � and I�ve in the last couple of years learned to know how I feel about some things. But I haven�t really faced my guts.

And I think its okay that I haven�t before. My self-image used to be so fragile that if I faced a lot of the truth of myself before I think I really wouldn�t have been able to stand it � especially while I was going through the rejections and pains of the last couple of years. It took all my strength to hold myself together and even learn to be me when I was alone and learn to lose my self-consciousness around my friends. But I know I have to do this now in order to progress in life � otherwise I would spend my whole life being the person I am now and that would be limiting later. I have this vision of the person who is myself at an old age and to grow into her I have to keep growing and learning and facing my fears. I know I will never reach a point where I am done with that � but my task this year is to really reduce the amount of flotsom and jetsom that is hanging on to me as I float down the revolving sushi river that is my life. (tee hee, I love making litte inside jokes with myself)

Ok, well I gotta go � I can�t be in here writing when its such a beautiful day and there�s a beach out there waiting to greet me and best friends to meet for lunch.