2001-03-30 - 1:42 a.m.

I'm sad today though - I really had hoped I wouldn't feel like this while I was here with them . . . but I think its only because I didn't realize until just now what it is that makes me sad when I'm around Jim . . .I thought that in January it was jealousy over their true love relationship, but I realize now that isn't it, or at least that was only part of what it was in the past and that jealousy isn't in me now. I really am just so so happy for them and the last thing I want in my life right now is a relationship.

What it is that I sometimes feel second class with Jim or a third wheel or left out or what have you -- and that doesn't come from Larissa and its not that Jim isn't totally treating me with kindness and inclusiveness. And I know from time, trust, experience that Jim does believe in our friendship and loves me. Its that Jim doesn't really see me.

He makes joking, flippant comments to/about me that I guess have truth in them that maybe I don't want to admit ("I don't want to give you this key, you'll lose it" "You're the messiest woman alive" "You were stoopid last night." "You had a couch in your backyard for 4 years? You are redneck white trash!" "You've been dating everyone Hillary, you weren't descriminating at all, you just wanted to be fucked, you just wanted some dick" ) But I can't laugh things off when they come from Jim.

I realize that I don't really care what people think of me, with the one exception of Jim. Why?

Maybe because of us being together before -- Maybe I let him into a place in me where he fills a role, like taking the place of my father, so that I go through my pattern of needing approval and being rejected . . . but of course that's a pattern that's not conscious . . .

Consciously, I'm hurt because I do consider him to be close to my heart as a friend but I don't think he understands/knows/sees me for who I am. Maybe he's too egotistical/narcisistic to see my work/plans/dreams as important or worthy of respect. It's possible that he does respect me (I'm sure he does in some ways and doesn't in others) - But the main thing is he doesn't try to know me or show me himself.

Tonight we went out to a bar and had some time alone together over a drink. We talked about plans and films etc - But he doesn't ask me questions about myself to really know me like a friend would and he isn't shy about tellling me the things about me he doesn't respect. I know he cares about me but my feelings are hurt that he doesn't really seem to want to share himself with or be close with anyone but Larissa.

There's no point in mentioning this to Jim because he wouldn't understand. He's just not there. I just need to learn not to expect from him friendship in the way I experience it with other close friends in my life. I need to accept the fact that Jim will always be my friend, but will never really know/appreciate me in the way I would like him to, the way Larissa or Leslie does. I need to accept that Jim and I will always be family but Jim does not want closeness with me.

I really think he saw me the night we did mushrooms. If Jim and Larissa do end up in Vancouver with me again, I think mushrooms would be a good thing.

As a sidenote -- we're on our way on a driving trip up the coast tomorrow and I'm really looking forward to it. I know it will be a good time. Its very late and I'm tired . . .