2001-04-05 - 10:28 a.m.

M father has been exceptionally wonderful to me. He already gave me an allowance of 100 dollars and told me he would pay me every week not to work. He told me he wanted me to take the year off and not work until next April. I had a talk with him about this, telling him I didn't like taking money from him or anyone and I wasn't sure if I could do this, and I told him that I was very appreciative. We both started crying as he told me that he didn't want me to feel obligated to him because of the money and he just wanted me to have time to be myself, a chance he never got. I am very touched.

So I hate to complain about anything when I know my life here will be so good . . . but I am also very new to this and there are alot of things kinda freaking me out right now. The first is the thought that maybe I can't really live with my dad after all. He has many annoying habits that I forgot about . . .(he doesn't use soap when he showers so he smells and his whole house has a funk, he reads the newspaper while in resteraunts through the entire meal, he watches television constantaly at a loud volume because he's partially deaf, he schedules and plans everything to the exact moment and gets frustrated if you're one minute late for the time table in his mind, he has a breathing problem that stops up his nose so whenever he eats his nose whistles loudly, and he eats very often) I know I can learn to live with these things and grow to make my life for myself outside of the house and make my room a haven, its just going to be an adjustment from living alone or with friends for the last 8 years of my life . . .

The other strange thing is coming to this apartment and being reminded of the time when me and Jim lived here together. A year and a half ago Jim and I lived here for 3-4 months together with my dad who was kind enough to take us in. We were still very young in our minds at the time -- After we got here Jim and I broke up and so the three months were spent sleeping in the same bed but not having sex, with different mind games going on between us. For Thanksgiving that year Larissa and Ryan came to visit us and we all slept in the same little room and even showered together one morning in the same little shower together. The night Ryan broke my heart Larissa and I sat in front of my Dad's fireplace and spat painfully at each other. So coming back to this is a little hard because I really had tried not to think about that time in my life. And now that I'm here, and I see what a truly tiny apartment this is and a truly tiny shower etc -- I realize how absolutely out of our minds insane we must have been at the time.

And my heart goes out to Jim because I think how difficult it must have been for him to be homeless and living with his ex-girlfriend's dad and not have any privacy and be scorned by her friends and to not be able to work in this country . . . I really was rough on him because my heart was aching too at the time and i was trying to establish my own personality and boundaries --But looking back I feel bad for that Jim and am so proud that his life has gone on to such good things after such a lousy year.

Its also hard being here just after visiting my best friends in California. I had the most wonderful time with Larissa and Jim ---

Last weekend we drove up the coast of California, up highway one -- we saw elephant seals beaching themselves at San Simeon and we stopped at beaches along the way to pick up moonstones that were lying on the beach. We camped a night at a site called Kirk's Creek and it was the most lovely campsite ever -w e were completely secluded from other campsites and the grass under our tent was soft and green and fluffy and the site was surrounded by big purple flowers. We camped on a cliff just above the ocean so the sound of the ocean was our lullaby all night --There was a path down to the ocean which we climbed down to reach a magnificent rocky beach where we spent part of the evening and part of the morning playing with each other and the waves and collecting more moonstones. And that night we had a campfire and stayed up late laughing and drinking wine and roasting hot dogs and telling scary stories and just being with each other -- It was one of the best nights in my entire life --

The next day we drove up the coast some more and stopped at a clothign optional beach where we sunned our naked buts together - It was good to feel so free with jim and Larissa again, there was no self-consciousness about it -- We climbed up a steep cliff to get back to the road where our car was and we lost the path and had to scraggle our way up dangerously - When we got to the top we were so PROUD that we had climbed a mountain, the whole rest of the day we kept puffing up about it. That nigh we stayed in a hotel in Monterey and treated ourselves to a very expensive dinner and various bottles of wine from the wine country, and hot-tubbed at our hotel. We drove home the next day wine-tasting all the way.

This trip to Cali was one of the most memorable and best times of my entire life - not because we did anything so terribly exciting, but because the energy was so good between us and I felt so happy and free being with my friends and so loved -- Jim was so much fun and so kind to me on our trip, and the last night I was in California Jim gave me a big hug and told me how glad he was that I'd come to visit and even at the airport dropping me off he hugged me tight several times and wished me well very warmly -- I felt much better about everythign and know that he does really want me in his life, he just doesn't always express it as verbally as I am used to.

I am missing my home-girl Larissa already though -- I really think I have some kind of problem because I just can't get enough of her! I've been gone a day and a half and already I am wishing she were here to laugh with and to talk to and to show her around beautiful Vancouver. It just seems that life is more meaningful and more humorous when she's there to share it . . . I hope she comes to visit soon . . .