2001-04-05 - 3:51 p.m.

My father is moving into a new apartment in a couple of weeks so we are all caught up in the middle with packing and spending time with one another . . .But ..

Really all I want to do is sleep and wake and write and write -- I can't wait to be in a permanent space again where I can make it my own and decorate the walls and have time to be alone again . . . I have been on the go for several weeks now and I long to have just a couple of days to myself uninteruppted . . .I want to wake up in the light and write in the morning and smoke a cigarette inside my room and then wander to the kitchen for a little snack and back to my room for more writing . . then up to the sunroof for some sun and some reading or maybe down to the water for some ocean and reading -- then back to my space for some webdesign or emailing or writing and dinner with dad -- then a night out with friends or maybe writing by candleligth till I fall asleep again late . . .

Its raining here as I know it does but somehow I didn't expect it today . . .

I called Beatrice, the therapist today. She asked me why I wanted to see her and I told her that I wanted to know myself better and I wanted to spend this year working through any baggage that might be preventing me from moving forward in my life. She asked me my age (25) and then she said that I was pretty young to not be moving forward. I told her that I did feel like I was always changing plans and going ahead, but that I wanted to be healthy and happy all the way around you know and she asked me if I was happy and I said I was, so she asked me what was my problem? And at that point I wondered if therapy was a good idea at all, if I needed to do this or not, I wondered why I was calling her? But my mouth started speaking and out came "I am still angry at the people I love the most"

I guess that's it . . .I go Wednesday April 18th for 4 hours. And then i guess we'll see . . . whether I need to do this or not, whether this will be productive or not, whether this is new age bullshit or vital soul-cleansing . . .