2001-04-07 - 1:20 a.m.

My dad's apartment has a hot tub and its Niiiiiice - I am going to miss it very much when we move away in a couple of weeks --

One very nice thing happened to me today - My dad bought airport cards for our computers so now I can get online from my ibook for up to 150 feet from his computer-- which means I can get online from my room now, or from the patio, or from the roof in his new apartment!! YAY I am a very happy girl - now I have the internet all to myself and I have a completely mobile computer! It feels good to have privacy again and I am very appreciative of my dad's generousity.

So last night I went out with my friend Deanna. When I lived here in BC before I met her and allthough we only knew each other a couple of months we were very good friends before I left. So I came back to town a few days ago and just happened to run into her on my first day here at a coffee shop where she now works - she invited me out last night to the birthday party of this guy named Finn who I kind of dated for a couple of weeks before I left, and thentotally dumped over email a month later. I never heard from him again so I was a bit nervous going to his birthday party, but things turned out wonderful and Finn has a new girlfriend now who he's moving in with who is well-suited for him, and he was so warm and friendly and genuinely glad to see me, with no romantic connotation. So all is well and I have old friends here and that feels good.

It was so amazing talking to Deanna -- she is an exceptional person - To begin with, she has all her own style and is unabashadly herself -- she is definitely "sparky" and she is so talented and vivacious and the connection between us was very strong -We talked about Emma Goldman and about the FTAA protesting in Quebec City and about existentialism and we laughed and laughed and we picked up right where we left off as close friends.

A couple of nights before I left town in 99 there was a full moon, and Deanna and I went to the woods with oil and annointed each other in a moon ritual of sorts -- she is spiritual in the way that I am too and we shared a bond from that night, we became moon sisters. She told me last night that after I left she became very spiritual and performed her own rituals on other occasions, but that there was noone else to whom she could share that part of herself with (she, like me, had tried associating with pagans and wiccans and found ourselves not to be on their same wavelength at all) and I felt the same way - it was weird, she stirred something in me --

She jokingly told a friend of hers that I was "The Flattery bomb" because I can be effusive with praise when i like someone -- and at that moment I looked at her and

and i wanted to kiss her.

And since then I have been smoking cigarettes on my patio today and looking out at the mountains and questioning myself . . . Because the way I feel about Deanna is the way I feel about Leslie and it is a lesser version of how I feel about Larissa . . . The connections I have had with these women in my life has been so much deeper and more spiritual and more right than I can even imagine being close with a man. Its like apples and oranges-- And tho I've been totally in love with men before and know that I could be again -- I guess what I'm afraid of admitting to myself is that I could be in love with a woman.

There is a girl named Sarah who I met in 5th grade, and who was my best friend all growing up. I really admired her and I even used to paint her picture and draw her -- and I had a crush on her, really. But I didn't know what to do with that. So of course I never said anything and then when I was in 10th grade I went to this youth retreat with my church that was all about sexuality and one of the nurses who was leading the lecture talked about how you could have crushes on people of the same sex and it didn't mean you were gay, that it was natural to have those kind of affectionate feelings but that it was important to differentiate between affection and sexuality -- and when I heard that I was so relieved on the inside, I felt like someone had read my mind and absolved my conscience and I accepted myself and I never thought another minute about it and I went on with my merry way hanging tough with my girlfriends and mooning over boys.

But I guess what I'm wondering is what if . . . what if I had allowed myself to be full on in love/sexual with a woman. What if Sarah hadn't gotten married before I saw her again. What if Leslie hadn't gotten back with Chrissy at the end of the summer. What if Deanna weren't with this boy Mike? I guess the whole thing is that its not that I want to go meet a girl or anything -- I have gone to Lesbian bars and I have many a Lesbian friends ( I went to a woman's college for chrissakes!) but I don't fit in with them and I'm not attracted to women in general. For that matter, I'm not attracted to anyone in general.

What I'm saying is that I feel the potential for intimacy with a woman like Deanna, and it does have sensual/sexual potential, and it scares me. I wonder if I should end up later in life with a woman. And I wonder if what I feel is real, or if I am talking myself into this and misunderstanding myself because I've been reading cubiclegirl (who rocks) and would like to believe that potential about myself?

My mind is reeling today.

I'm making a short list of things to bring up with Beatrice on the 18th --(you know, questions/frustrations/feelings I have that I would like to resolve) And this has definitely made the list.