2001-06-17 - 7:05 p.m.

I finally made it to see Jeff. All of these months since I saw him in New York I've been having sexual dreams about him and I've been secretly hoping that we were true loves. I thought it was strange that he hasn't telephoned me or corresponded via regular mail or email with me, but I thought that he was probably too busy with school or too shy to know what to say - I thought if/when I saw him in person, he would feel the same affection he felt for me that day in New York, and naturally we would get together.

So I saw him. I am in Georgetown Texas visiting relatives and he lives in Austin only 30 miles away. So I called him, and he seemed so happy to hear from me, and he invited me to his apartment on Friday night where he was having a party with his friends. I arrived about 9, looking dazzling in a new purple sequin top, and we drank Lone Star Beer and partied until about 4 AM. I had a great time at the party, and in fact enjoyed the best conversation with his friends that I have had anywhere in years - all of his friends are Philosophy majors so we talked literature, politics, and idealism with glee. But the whole night Jeff never took me aside, he never asked me any questions at all about myself, he never complimented me in any way, and really we hardly saw each other at the party at all because I was outside with the smokers enjoying the hot summer night and he was inside most of the time.

At the end of the night, I crashed out in Jeff's bed while he was still hanging with the last couple of stragglers downstairs. He came into his room about 5:30 and instantly we began to kiss and tear each other's clothes off. He was so HOT. I really thought I would die right there, I could not have been more turned on. And allthough Jeff was making nice moaning noises he did not speak. Finally we got really intense and Jeff stopped things and told me he didn't want to have sex with me.

Ok, I can dig that he didn't necessarily want to have sex on the first date, a one night stand sort of thing - The no sex thing I can dig. But his explanation of why not was something I could not dig at all.

Jeff said he didn't want to have sex because there was another girl in his life. I asked him if she was his girlfriend and he said no. He said that he had never even asked her out, that they had never gone on a date, and they had never kissed. She was just a woman he knew who he found charming and he didn't want to have sex with anyone because he thought he might want to date her and he didn't feel right about it.

What the fuck? Ok, so the girl who has loved you since you were a geek in highschool, the one that is fabulously beautiful and beloved by all your friends, the one that flew your ass to New York City because she was crazy about you, the one that drove her ass to your home in Texas to pursue you, this girl isn't good enough for you. But the girl you saw a few times in a coffee shop is.

???????

So then he started kissing me again and when I pulled away he was totally surprised/confused/curious. He asked me why? And I told him the full truth, but in a nice way, not accusatory in tone and not stalkerish either. I just said that I thought the two of us were very compatable, that we were both brilliant, good looking, funny people and that I thought we would make a good match for each other, and that I had secretly hoped we would be each other's true loves, and that when he turned me down for sex it brought up the memory of the time when I was 19 that he turned me down for sex because of his girlfriend in Midland, and so I felt a bit let down/rejected.

And he was so sweet, he told me he was a "cuddle whore" and he cuddled me all night. The next morning we woke up and I gave him a blow job, just because I was in a good mood and feeling playful.

We went to lunch with his friend and we went to the most awesome mexican resteraunt - it was called the Tamale House and it was just this run-down shack with no air conditioning on the south side of Austin out of which the people were serving the cheapest tastiest Mexican food in Austin and we ate it outside on iron patio furniture and it was a beautiful day.

We took his friend home shortly after that. His friend made a point to invite me to a dinner party later that evening, his friend insisted I attend. Jeff didn't say one word about it, he didn't invite me or tell me he'd like me to go at all.

I asked Jeff what he wanted to do for the afternoon, because we had the whole day together and it was a beautiful day, and the only day I'd be in town. He said he wanted to go home and nap.

We went back to his house to nap. I was sitting on a little loveseat in his living room and he was sitting on the couch. I kind of dozed off. When I awoke, he had gone upstairs to his bedroom and fallen asleep on his bed. He had not invited me to join him at all. I stuck around for another hour or so and then I felt like an idiot wasting my time. I decided to go home.

I woke him up with a kiss and he walked me out and kissed me at the door, so we parted sweetly. But he didn't invite me to stay longer, he didn't tell me he was glad I came, he didn't say anything about keeping in touch. He just acted like it was any other day, like I wasn't special at all.

So that's it. I guess I got the period at the end of the sentence of our relationship. I know he won't call me.

The whole thing just reminded me of Ryan in the sense that it reminded me of the way I imagine Ryan was at the beginning of his relationship with Larissa - How she pursued him doggedly for years until he came around and fell in love with him. I know that if I moved to Austin and bombarded Jeff with my sweet lovin' , eventually he wouldn't be able to resist it and maybe he would fall in love. But at this time in my life, I just don't think its worth spending all my time and energy on someone who acts only half-assedly interested towards me.

I mean, I've been treated so much better by my almost-eskimo date, and by Cory the bartender, and by plenty of guys who I was not in love with. Why should I pursue someone who didn't even treat me as well as these others?

In sum, I'm dissappointed and a little sad. Not so much because of what actually happened, because I had a fun time at the party and Jeff and I parted on good terms, but because its like the end of a dream. Jeff was the last one on my list of possible true loves, the last one I fantasized about, the last one of my secret possibilities. With him out of my life, I have noone to dream about and it makes me feel kind of lonely.