2001-10-26 - 4:44 p.m.

And Jim told me that he missed me. And that he wanted me to come to LA.

And La told me that she knew only good things would happen, and to come to LA

La and I have been talking about me coming to LA for a month now -- so the idea wasn't new - but it was so wonderful to be asked by Jim and the way La repeated over and over that they wanted me made me feel soo good.

So of course I promised I would go! And I will, I am more determined than ever to go to LA. I think I will go at new years, and i think (if Dad will let me) I won't try and get a job here in Vancouver. Because Jim helped me to see things in a new way.

I was down on myself for not having a job and stuff and Jim just said -- RELAX for once! He said that I had worked my ass off for MindSpring back in the day to keep the bills paid while he went to art school or fucked around at Tower records, and that he was so proud of me and that I worked so hard, I deserved some time off, I deserved a little R&R. I deserved the time to work on my book. It really touched me what he said.

My Dad has said the same thing to me - but hearing it from Jim was so touching because it reminded me that he remembers -- he remembers living with me, he knows me, I forget sometimes that Jim knows me

La said something to me on the phone last night that struck me -- she said that Our Dream might not be impossible after all. Back in the day, Our Dream meant her and I and Jim and Ry all living together in a house, maybe in California, and all being in love with each other and being a family to each other. At one time, 2 years ago, when we were all out of control and at the height of our craziness, I had thought Our Dream included a sexual connotation with each of us being each other's lovers. We really believed at the time , for about a month, i guess, that Our Dream could come true. And I haven't thougth about it since.

And now I think, we're more mature - I can let the lover thing go. Because being lovers is not important to me anymore. What is important to me, is being near them. And the fact that they called me last night, and told me how they miss me -- proves to me for the billionth time what I already knew in my heart which is that they really do love me as much as I love them.

And La mentioned Ry. And how when I came she would call him down to LA for a blood ritual with us. I don't know if that will ever happen, but it would be good to all be in the same room again. I'm trying to think when it was the last time that we were "alligned" - when the last time the four of us were in the same room, and it had have been over a year ago -- Come to think of it it was on my 24th birthday.

After the road trip this summer, after Ry and I drove route 66 together, we ended up in LA and banged on La and Jim's apartmentdoor -- but they were inside sleeping and didn't answer. So instead Ry and I had to crash for the night in his girlfriend's apartment. (Yick!) And Idrove off the next day from there and Ry didn't see Jim and La while I was there. A potential grouping was avoided.

Hmmmmn. This must mean that when the four of us get together again -- its really meant to be. It will really be something special. I can hardly wait . . .