2001-11-15 - 8:49 a.m.

What is my deal with productivity? I mean, what is my issue? When I go a day or more without writing, I feel like a loser. I get depressed. I hate everything I've written before and feel like a failure.

When I am writing, I feel on top of the world. Even the smallest amount of writing makes me feel proud, and glad to be alive, and very sparky.

I'm the same person regardless. So what is my issue?

Reading old entries from partygirl this morning. I love the way she writes, and i think she's got the right outlook on life. She's only a couple of years older than me. I read back about her antics with friends and i have a similar set of antics with my old friends. And it just reminds me, that LA with Jim and La really is where I need to be. Where magic and antics can happen.

I never tire of writing my little book, because I love to write, and like I said, I love the feeling of productivity it brings me. But I sometimes get down about it, because sometimes it doesn't seem larger than life, sometimes it seems that I'm writing about old historical stuff among my friends. I have to keep reminding myself its worth putting down, because sometimes i feel down about it, like i have nothing going on in my real life and I'm rehashing the past.

Its not true, i have stuff going on in my real life, It just doesn't seem as important because I'm not sharing these things with the people i love so much, with my best friends. And it is true that the time is dragging out for me here in vancouver. My heart was in LA two months ago . . .

But I'm here now. And I don't have much time left, so I need to make the most of it, be as close as I can with my family, write as much as I can before jobs and a social life cut in on that time, Enjoy the beauty of this city, it really is breathtaking, because there won't be a here when I'm there.