2001-11-26 - 3:00 a.m.

I had a dream she was going to die. It was on Wednesday morning. In my dream my family was all going to lunch in this huge fancy restaurant. Or at least MOST of my family -- that is, My grandparents (who are dead) were there . . . and I remember the resteraunt had this huge patio that was divided by an iron fence in the middle. My father was waiting outside the front door of the restaurant for me, but I wouldn't go in without Sarah's parents. Her birth mother was on one side of the fence, her step mother Laura whom she loves was on the other side. Her father (who is dead) was lost, he was looking for Laura. I guided him to her, to the table where she was waiting for him. He wouldn't go in without her, and he walked right past her and didn't see her. So I brought him to her. And then as I introduced them to my own father (they have never met him) I was overwhelmed with love for Sarah's parents, and my eyes teared up and I gave her dad a big big big hug.

And I knew she was going to die this week. I thought it would be that day, so I tried calling Sarah in the morning, I don't know why I tried because I knew she andher husband would be at work in the middle of the day, but I wanted to leave a message or something. So I called, and they had a houseguest who answered the phone and said he'd give her the message that I called.

I meant to call back, i really did, but I got busy, and then it was Thanksgiving, and one thing and another I forgot to call back. After the first day, when i didn't get an email from her saying she'd died, I just let it go, forgot about my dream, decided it wasn't prophetic, that I was just being self-important thinking so. I wish I had called now.

So I got the email that her mom died. And I haven't checked my email for 2 days. And so I'm late in calling.

And I am grieved. Her mother was long suffering from a brain tumor, so I know its a relief in some way from their heart -- they have been waiting for her to die since she entered the hospital a year ago. But I can't imagine how hard it must have been on Sarah to lose both her parents in so short a time, and her parents were truly truly truly wonderful people. I love my father, but I have wished many times over that Sarah's dad was mine growing up.

I feel so guilty. I hate feeling guilty. I feel guilty for writing that I wished I had her dad in stead of mine. I feel guilty because her parents are dead and I don't appreciate mine enough. I feel guilty for feeling guilty and being so self-centered. I feel guilty because I haven't been there for Sarah. I haven't called her or written her at all. I left town in March, and I called her once in July, and emailed her once but I don't know if she got the email. I love her so much, and yet I haven't been a good friend. She's been such a good friend to me, though.

She made me her maid of honor in her wedding.