2001-12-11 - 4:17 p.m.

So I bought Christmas presents. I had to make some decisions . . . should I spend my money on a lot of people buying very cheapy not quite the right thing presents -- or do I break it up buying one biggy present each for each of the 3 members of my immediate family. I decided to go for the gold and buy the right things for my family.

It feels so strange buying things *NEW*. I mean, for myself, I always buy things used, from value-village that kind of thing. And I absolutely love any present anyone gives me at all, you know it doesn't matter what it is, how small, how used, I value the fact that in this cold world someone thought to give me a present, just for me - It makes my day.

But there is an exception to that rule, and I hate admitting that here even because it sounds so shallow -- but the exception to that rule is from my Dad. Not this year, because money's tight. But in the past, he's always bought my presents used, and then of course gave me presents that I didn't want, that were damaged or not good enough. His heart was in the right place, so I can't be uspet - but I would prefer just to get one thing from him new than several somethings so wrong.

An example is that one year my father bought me a violin - I have wanted one for years and years. But instead of just buying me one nice inexpensive ok quality violin new - for around 300 dollars - he bought a crappy cheap violin, that was not even full sized (it was 3/4 sized - too small) and was damaged. Its because he bought it for 100 bucks from some guy out of the paper. He thought he was doing me a favor, and he was, I mean, it was so sweet of him to buy me a violin. But he didn't even take it down to the new store to compare the violins, or ask anyone who knew about violins to look at it. He couldn't tell the difference. But I could. It broke my heart for my dad to finally be getting me the present I'd always wanted - and then to find that I couldn't even play it because it was so crappy.

This year for my birthday he bought me books with which to play guitar. Instead of buying me one good all around chord book new, he bought me 6 guitar books from the 1960s used. He doesn't know anything about guitar, so he thought he was doing me a favor - more quantity=better to him. But half the books turned out to be chord books for the piano, and the others were simply outdated -two books of music were just sheet music from bands that were popular in the 1970s that I had never heard of. I would have preferred just one book that was new to me, just mine, you know?

The reason I guess this is on my mind is because I've been looking for a particular present for my sister. My dad offered to go shopping with me at the used stores and find one or more of these things for her, and he offered to pay. But when I saw what was available used, I just thought - this is not what I want to give my sister. I would rather get her one thing that is just brand new and up-to-date and perfect, than to get her several things that were almost as good, but not really. So today I spent my own money (well, the money gifted to me) buying her just the right thing. And that makes me so excited about Christmas! Just knowing that this present is going to bring her so much joy, because its just right for her!

Meanwhile . . . I went to the therapist today. It always feels good to go, because it feels like I'm doing something good for myself - like the way you feel good after you've gone to the dentist because your teeth are so clean and you feel like you're taking good care of yourself. Anyway, I feel good about thereapy too, even though I end up spending the whole two hours crying and crying, but afterwards I feel so refreshed, just from having had a release of emotion.

(For the record, I don't cry about anything currently going on in my life - I'm lucky, my life is going great right now! I am usually moved to tears at things remembered-- like how my grandfather used to dance with me by letting me put my little sock feet on his patent leather "dancing" shoes and then waltzing around with me on his feet. And then we discovered how my Grandpa had been so loving to me as a child, with no strings attatched, just the way I had always wanted my Dad to be then.)

At the end of today's session we made appointments for the next ones in the next couple of weeks before Christmas. After that, we couldn't make any more appointments because I am going to be in Los Angeles after New Years. She asked me "Do you have to go?" and kind of tried to talk me out of going because she wanted to continue our work. Anyway, its bothering me in the back of my mind now because allthough I know that I'm not going to be 100 percent super duper fixed up in only 3 more sessions ( i see therapy as an ongoing thing, kind of a support for my life. Where I make changes to myself as needed. I don't see it as something that's supposed to totally change me all up, and I really like who I've become. ) But the way my therapist kind of acted at the end of the session gave me the impression that she didn't think our time together would be "enough" - that she thinks I have bigger problems than what we can do in the next two weeks, that she thinks after I leave I'll revert back to my bad habits. Is there something that wrong with me that I can't see? I guess I'll have to talk to her about this when I next I go in.

She thinks my main problem is that I don't have a lover. She thinks I've been keeping myself "alone and lonely" since I broke up with Jim. Its true that I haven't had a major relationship since Jim - but you know I think its good that I've had this time to give me some perspective on life, and to have made it on my own. Before Jim, I was in a relationship for 3 years, and so until the last couple of years I've never really come into my own or been alone. but I don't want to be alone my whole life, I really do see myself with someone in the future and I really am open to the idea of finding another love of my life.

We keep going round in circles about this because my therapist thinks I am measuring every boy up to Jim, and that I am withdrawing from men. Its kind of frustrating not to have her see me the way I see myself -- because on the one hand I trust her judgement and advice, this is why I see her, and in every other aspect of my life she's right on target - but on the other hand, she really doesn't see anything but what I show her in our sessions once a week. She doesn't see how totally OPEN I am to love with each guy I go out with, something my friends all know and joke with about me. She keeps returning to the problem of me living with jim and Larissa, because she sees this as a way of hurting myself, putting me out of love's reach --- but there really is no describing to anyone how close Jim and I and Larissa are as FAMILY - and how I so feel like a sister to Jim.

My two options right now are to stay living here with my Dad -- where I KNOW I am not going to make more progress until I saved up to move out on my own, like, 5 months from now -- Because noone wants to date a girl that lives with her Dad, for one, I can't bring a guy home to sleep with me at Dad's house, for two, and I am not free to be totally myself here because I revert to immature ways of behaving and thinking about myself since I'm constantly in the company of my father figure, for three.

The other option is really the ONLY one for me right now -- to go to the land of warm beaches and palm trees - to live with my two best friends who are a continual source of love and cheer-me-ups - to bring the MAGIC I have been missing back into my life by being near the one person who boosts my ability to pick up magic signals - La. I really just can't wait to be out on my own again, and to have a chance to live in Hollywood, no matter how grungy it is there. I couldn't be happier.

Why is it that no one else in the world, besides La and Jim, seem to see me? And support my decisions as the right ones for me? I guess It's just asking too much out of other people. The only person I can really live for, is MYSELF. And maybe I'll be making mistakes - but can being happy really be a mistake? I know I'll be happy there. I'm already feeling great about life, and those feelings can only increase around Jim and La.