2001-12-16 - 4:08 p.m.

Friday I went to see Beatriz, my therapist. Had one of the best sessions ever in which I learned some things about myself. I never fight with anyone ever. I never get mad at anyone to their face. If I'm super pissed off, I usually just expect the person I'm mad at to infer that from my avoidance of them or my slightly cooler tone of voice. But 9 times out of ten I'm not super pissed off, so I don't do that. If I'm mad, I just think about why it is I'm mad, and judge whether its a silly reason, or whether its justifiable. If I am justified in my anger, then I feel free to rant about it. If I am angry for a "silly" reason, then I just totally let it slide.

Beatriz told me to stop that. She said that I rationalized myself out of feeling angry, by stopping to decide whether it was a good enough reason to be mad or not. She says that it doesn't matter what the reason is, I shouldn't have to have a reason to feel my feelings. That it doesn't matter if I'm mad "for a silly reason" because there are no silly reasons. There are in fact no reasons at all. I shouldn't have to have a reason at all to feel any way that I feel. So the next time I'm mad, just be there. And if I'm mad at something that doesn't need to be shared with another person - fine. But if there is something that needs to change, then I owe it to another person to share that with them. Not just to change whatever but because the ONLY way to true intimacy is by being able to share your negative feelings.

Once you really feel your anger, then you let it flow through you and release it. After the anger, then there are other feelings - maybe sadness or love - and if you share your anger with someone, and let them see you angry (not fighting with them, but being clear and direct and honest) then that leads to intimacy. Like the way Jim and Larissa used to fight like hell, and then make up. They became closer and closer through that process, because they could be completely honest about their scariest, most negative feelings, thier rage - and once that has been seen by another person, you are one step closer to them each time.

But I have never been intimate with anyone like that. The entire time Jim and I were together, we never fought once, I was never ever angry . Like, if I was angry about something, I just never mentioned it to him, because at the time I thought it would make our lives stay happy if I don't dwell on negative things. Which is true on one level. But I absolutely should have shared my anger with him, let him see me like that, been real with him that way. Because in the end I think that is the number one numero uno reason why we broke up. Because he didn't see me for real. Because I didn't show myself for real to him. Because I never got angry about anything, or showed my anger to Jim. So we never had a chance to go through the next level of intimacy that comes from that.

Its too late to go back with Jim, but I really count this week as such a lesson learned. Next time I'm in a relationship, I'm going to be so much more real. I'm not going to hide from conflict or anger. I'm going to be more intimate with myself and him.

Something else Beatriz advised . . . we were talking about feelings. I admitted to her that I was still in love with Jim. That I knew for whatever reason from time to time I would feel sad that he wasn't with me anymore.

Beatriz advised me to tell Jim.

I said no way - because I'm moving into a situation with Jim and La where I in no way want to cause any waves in their relationship, but mostly because I think Jim would construe that kind of talk as some kind of confession that would change the way he acted around me, made him more self conscious around me etc.

She said that you have to tell people how you feel.

I said but if I do that they'll be overly conscious about me, and that's not cool.

And she said - Dreamself, of course they'll be more conscious of you if you share your feelings with them. She said that's their problem, not yours. She said that I was living like a ghost in my own life. That by not telling people how I feel, its as if I don't have those feelings at all to them. Its as if I'm a ghost to them. That I'm moving around in my life like a ghost, just the image of me but not wanting to physically change things because of my presence, the way a ghost can't move something in the physical world. She said that if I tell people how I feel things will change around me, not always good, that people will become conscious of me, that people will change how they act around me. Because I will be real. I will be present. I will be making ripples in the water around me. Instead of being a ghost.

I didn't realize I had been like that, until she said it. It went through my skin and echoed deep in my marrow. And I realized all the millions and millions of times I haven't told people how I felt. I either let them guess, or let it go, or whatever. I mean, I am not always like that, I've been really good this year with being real with La, and my sister, for examples. But I was a ghost in my past, and because of it, I didn't get what I wanted, and I ended up putting my feelings out on other people unconsciously in strange ways. Instead of being clear and direct and fully alive.

So I'm not going to be a ghost anymore. And I'm kind of worried somewhere that people won't like me, they'll think I'm too pushy, or too sensitive. But I stand to lose so much more respect from people by not being real than being too up front. But most of all -- I need to do this for me. To honor myself. Because I have been treating me like a nobody. I wouldn't treat other people this way that I've been treating myself. I'd say to my friends Speak up! Tell me what you feel! Whatever it is, its ok! Go ahead and say it! So now I'm going to take my own advice - I'm going to materialize, I'm going to be fully-present in my life, I'm going to speak up. I'm not going to be a ghost again