2002-04-01 - 8:07 p.m.

And we had a great time. Drinking Tecate, just the four of us, like we hadn't done since the summer of '00. Old friends, all of us from the south -- the crazy part is that we all met in Atlanta and we all live in LA/Southern California now!! CRAZY.

Ry finally broke up with Leslie. It was good seeing him -- he was grounded, he was finally seeing that he needed to be independent from Leslie and I'm so happy for him. I know it was really tough to do, its always hard to be the bad guy, but I'm so proud of him. I do feel sad a little for Leslie though. She was never any good for Ry, but I really think alot of that is because she never had anyone really open up to her and help her to open up to herself. I don't think Ryan ever really loved her. And now instead of being the shrewish 19 year old kid we first knew, she's a lovely 21 year old woman -- who still doesn't know how to love and be loved without all the smothering/mothering/clinging stuff.

Omigod, I saw Moulon Rouge this weekend. Days ago, I'm just remembering it. LOVED IT. Must make a note in my diary for all posterity how much this film amazed and delighted me. Definitely an all-time favorite.

And me . . . I had a new dream for myself . . . I started thinking about going back to grad school for English, and studying South American literature as a focus, reading the famous magical realist writers like Isabel Allende and Borges etc -- and then when I graduate going to teach and write in South America . . . Can this really happen? It sounds plausible . . .

I talked today to a co-worker, he's a community empowerment liason. But all he really does is go around cheering people up and spreading positive energy. He's 50 with a family and kids and he's so inspirational. Today he asked me "What will people say about you when you're dead, or even if you're not dead, what would you have people say about you when you're my age?"

I told him I wanted to write words that contributed to a movement, like Bob Dylan or Isabel Allende, that I wanted to tell stories and write poems and books that changed people's conciousness and awakened them politically and spiritually, like Noam Chomsky -- That I wanted my words to have contributed to changing the world for the positive.

I mean it too.

But then as soon as I say that I get freaked out because I am so so so so so far away from all my goals, I still haven't sent in my first story for publication, and dude, I'm only sending it to a Jane magazine contest!! But I get chicken. And generally I'm not a part of a social movement of any kind, I'm not changing the world for the better in any way, I'm not putting myself out there a tiny bit right now, and that makes me feel down.

But then I think to myself -- WOW, At least I had the forsight to stop being a part of the problem. To stop working for a corporation. To realize I didn't want a meaningless ghost life, and to discard everything that was safe around me in order to start from scratch and craft a life anew. To know I wanted more out of life than what I had and to take the first steps in my mind and heart to being the journey to real happiness and me-hood. So I gotta cut myself some slack, yo.

And you know, now I'm here, and Saturday La and I went to the Arboreum (it was where Fantasy Island was filmed!!!) and hung out in the flowers and trees of Arcadia -- and I realized that the world really IS beautiful, and there really ARE reasons for me to be here . . .

Life is good.

My dad is considering marraige again at age 59. He says he hasn't fallen in love since 1982. That's a long time to be lonely, yo. I've been so sad for him. And then yesterday he broke the news he was in love!! WOW. Life is really good