2002-06-09 - 10:03 a.m.

Turning 26 years old in 2 weeks. I think turning 25 was the hardest birthday ever, the one that jumpstarted me, but turning 26 isn't easy either. Not because I think I'm getting so old, because I still feel like there is plenty of time for me to do everything, and I'm really starting to get my life together, but because age has snuck up on me and suddenly my peers aren't college kids, my peers are the up-and-coming career types I read about in magazines.

There was drama this weekend. Drama that I created by the way I handled the situation, and I felt crummy about it, but I've learned some valuable lessons about how to behave and handle myself in the future. But none of my drama compares with the real life crisis of my friend, and I just don't know what the best way to handle myself in that situation is . . .

My friend Victoria is pregnant. She just moved to LA, she was kicked out of her boyfriend's house when they broke up, she had a fling with a good looking silly boy, she used protection, she got pregnant. Now the silly boy wants her to have the baby, but she's HOMELESS. So she made an appointment for an abortion on Thursday. I'm calling in sick to take her to the appointment and spend the day with her.

I just can't imagine what she must be going through. I am around kids so much at work, I think about having them all the time, and I know I want some in a few years when there is a man in my life and I have a real home and career -- and if I got pregnant now I know I would keep the baby, fly to Romania to be with my mother, or find a place to live with Larissa and keep the baby.

And in her heart, I think Victoria wants to have the baby too- she comes from a big Italian family. But she can't. Because she couldn't put the child up for adoption. Because she has no parents, she has no money, she's homeless, and she doesn't want to be tied to silly boy her whole life. She doesn't even want to hang out with him.

Meanwhile, my roomate Matthew is being such a jerk. He actually told Victoria that she was being too dramatic and he didn't want to be saddled with her problems. He was so callous about it - I'm sick of having him in my house and I asked him to leave. But first I asked his friend if he would take him in, because I don't want Matthew to be homeless either, I just can't take him anymore and I want Victoria to stay with me instead of him.

In retrospect I don't think its a good idea to take in strange boys like Matthew and I was stoopid to do so, because now I'm stuck with him longer than I wanted and extracating him is going to be a painful process. The night I asked him to stay and gave him the keys to my house was such a liminal moment for me. I felt like it was destiny and that I had to give him the keys, against better judgement. I just felt like I had to.

And now I know why -- because Matthew brought Victoria into my life. And it was Victoria that I was destined to know, Victoria that I was destined to be friends with, Victoria I was destined to help in her time of need. La and I both feel that Victoria is amazing and different and real and special and that she could be a close friend to us the way that Leslie is. It must be destiny.

I miss Leslie.

Oh, so the drama I mentioned was the way I told Matthew to find a new place to stay, I blurted it out and hurt his feelings I think instead of talking it over with him and asking for his help in solving the crisis. I didn't mean to be so domineering about it. I've got to watch that.

Meanwhile . . . I have a date this afternoon! Sort of -- its Victoria and Matthew's friend Mayburn, he's a gemeni and he's got WILD hair and such a good heart. I'm going to check him out. I might even kiss him. We're going to the arboreum -- this beautiful tree sanctuary in Arcadia (where they filmed fantasy island) I'm really joyful. Mayburn is full of joy. He feels good to be around.

This weekend has been a liminal weekend for me. Full of countless revelations of which I have not even begun to scratch the surface in writing in this diary - hopefully I can catch some time to write tonight. But for the last two nights I feel like I have been breathing sacred air, living in the drivetime, the dreamspace

Last night Larissa and I talked all night about our past, as she went through her old photos and artifacts of her life, and we just cried all night as revelation after revelation came upon us. There is nothing I can ever write that can reveal the true meaning of Larissa's friendship in my life, or the infinite depths of my love for her.

Meanwhile, I bought a Fleetwood Mac tape at a garage sale yesterday, and Larissa and I have been listening to it non-stop and going on a total Stevie Nicks kick. What a woman. Larissa is a singer. she has to be. And now I know that there was a reason that my mom kept a painting of Stevie Nicks over our couch my whole life.

She's Stevie fucking Nicks for christsake! Of course!