2002-07-02 - 11:23 a.m.

My birthday was thrilling. We went to the Saddleranch, this really over the top Western bar on Sunset and we rode the Mechanical Bull. This could be a long story in and of itself, but alas I am writing at work and thus must suffice it to say that I rocked the boo-tay and kicked it on level 6!

Since then my life has been full of the hard work of helping Jim and La move to another neighborhood, missing them in my building,

I've also been very much involved (although with little to no success) in getting the deadbeat roomate of mine out of my house. At this point he's no longer a roomate, I call him my "pet", because he's not really housebroken. He frequently strews my belongings around the place if I'm gone too long, he doesn't have any bathroom ettiquitte, he takes alot of hand holding and looking after. I've been trying to find him a good home for quite some time, but no one will take him in. Thank goodness its summer, I don't feel so bad about locking him out in the yard.

Ouch, that was harsh. I surprise myself sometimes. But that's what I love about this diary, its a place to really be honest with my thoughts.

I'm still getting over Victoria's abortion. There, I've finally used that word. She had an abortion. It came out of her body. The little thing inside of her. Came out. And she showed it to me. She had been having terrible cramps all day, so horrible that at one point she called a friend and considered shooting her up just to get rid of the pain. But she took Tylenol 3s as prescribed and passed out. When she woke up, she said she felt all wet and gooshy. She went to the bathroom and then called me in. "Dreamself, Come in her, look at this!" I knew I didn't want to, but I was insanely curious. As a woman, I was curious. I wanted to know what it would look like, I wanted to be close to Victoria, I wanted to know how it grew. "Are you sure?" I asked. "You don't have to -- I just, Its so strange, I want to share it with someone." I pushed the door open and she was sitting on the toilet with her hand pulling her panties out, to show me her maxipad which was full of blood. On the pad was a thick dark gooshy thing which was the lining of her uterus, and then there was this little white glob, about the size of my pinky finger, but I have very small hands, and very thin and sticky. Victoria picked the white thing up with her fingers and we forgot that all of this was supposed to be gross, because we were amazed that her body had made this little thing, that was just a sticky blob. This is what babies are made of, this would have gone on to be something, but right now, thank goodness for us, it didn't look like anything. It was beautiful and strange. And I'm glad I saw it, I learned so much, but I've also been haunted by it, this intimacy between me and Victoria, and this thing that was inside of her.