2002-08-06 - 6:19 p.m.

The interesting thing about this road trip, from the outset, was that it's the first vacation I think I've ever taken (excluding family vacations, of course) that did not include one of the following people: La, Jim, or Ry. I guess I have no real conclusion to draw from that, because I have always loved any time spent with them, but it's more of a recognition that my life is changing, my world is revolving in different ways . . .

Anyway, without going into too many details, the quick summation of the weekend is as follows: I arrived. I partied with Barbara and the Alabama Boys and Bob Burden (of "Flaming Carrot" fame -- He was fabulous!) and Sophie (who gave me a friendship bracelet with bugs in it. This was indeed a significant bonding experience for me and Sophie). I went to bed that night feeling that I'd had the time of my life, and had never felt so happy. But of course, little did I know, my life would get even BETTER.

The next day, the long and short of the story is, that a series of mishaps involving the Alabama boys revealed that they do not truly have an interest in my friendship, with the possible exception of Steve. Well, I might as well admit it - they rolled without me, they excluded me, they think of me as a peripheral friend. Fine. Good to know.

But all day long I was hanging out in Barbara's room with her and her friend Dean. I had met him once before, and you know I thought he was a nice guy. All day we talked. All afternoon we walked around the Con. All evening he lit my cigarettes. Yet at no time did we flirt, we just talked. And we talked about *everything*.

I definitely wasn't trying to impress Dean. I had him help me choose my fashion. I told him all about the Alabama boys. I told him my corniest jokes (like the one about protons and neutrons at a bar)and it was fun. He laughed at my jokes! We had a good time.

Meanwhile, our conversations turned to topics like vision quests, enlightenment, magic, spirituality, truths, mushrooms, etc. . . And I realized, I had met someone who had the same vision of the world as me. Someone who honestly believes in positive energy, and liminal moments, and spontaneous ritual, and the power of love. And he puts out such a good vibe, such an unconditional love vibe, it feels good just being around him.

And then we were riding in a bicycle taxi, where Tony the wild bike rider was driving me and Barbara and Dean in the back of his bike carriage, and Barbara was spreading pixie dust into the wind, and Tony was putting Depeche Mode on the Radio and peddling us through downtown San Diego at night, and I looked over at Dean and he was smiling so big and so bright, he looked like a star, he was so full of joy. And then I pecked him on the cheek and he turned to me and our lips bumped and we both smiled.

Later that night, after much additional partying, when we were back at the hotel and it was very late, the middle of the morning, and we were sober but not at all tired, we started a round of drinks, and then we met on the patio, and he kissed me.

And the kiss, it was inexperienced, and altogether too fiesty, but passionate, and where before there had been my charming friend Dean standing before me I now SAW him, I saw DEAN - We went upstairs to another patio and kissed gently and wildly as the sun came up. We went back downstairs and slept, in our pajamas, in a bed, and I woke up in his arms --

and there, sticking straight into my voluptuous rump, was cupid's arrow.

(No, not literally, of course)

Our enthusiasm for each other was totally mutual, totally genuine, totally innocent, totally right, and totally passionate! I'm not going to even touch on the deeper levels of touch and meaning going on, because of course there are no words for such things, and also, right now, I'm in a really dizzy happy perky mood.

Anyway, I had to work, so I had to drive back to LA. We plan to see each other again on Thursday . . .

Yesterday, I get an email that reads:

I can't believe I let you go! I must be crazy! Now I have to wait till thursday to see you again, its torture, lol. I had an amazing time this weekend Hillary, it was beautiful. Kissing you on the terrace while the sun came up. Feeling you. Walking through empty san diego streets at four in the morning and just talking with you. Give me a call or an email when you get the chance. I'll be thinking about you. I can't get your face out of my mind. Your smile. Your eyes. I cant wait to see you again. I feel like we've known each other for a very long time. Tell Cindy Lauper I say hi ;)

Love Dean

(By the way, I met Cindy Lauper yesterday, but that's another story)

And today, the email reads, in part:

I don't think I'm ever going to be able to forget about you, Dreamself. In fact, quite the oppossite has happened and its the rest of the world that I can't remember. Its like I'm still in that hotel bed with you, holding you close, kissing you, exploring every beautiful inch of you, losing myself completely in your gaze. No breathe has ever filled me with as much life as when you were breathing into me, and I was breathing into you. I still feel your breath inside me.

Love, Dean

I couldn't be happier! I know it's cheesy to put love letters here, but I want to be able to read them again (and again and again) I haven't felt like this in ages and ages . . . I didn't know I could still feel this way -- I didn't know that there was anyone out there who was so simpatico with me. He's a writer. He's an idealist. He loves to laugh. He is a seeker of enlightenment. He is so warm, and generous, and kind, and caring, and compassionate, and truly good. He radiates warmth and love. He is his own person. And he's beautiful, too.

So I know, I know, I know the lectures will soon pour in from all my friends, Take things slow, don't have sex, don't jump to conclusions, are you sure this isn't just infatuation -- But to all those people I can only say, they have not yet met Dean. Because there's no question that he's a fully good person, and that we're simpatico.

So yes, I'm not going to jump to conclusions, or making any sweeping statements about possible futures.

But I am going to let myself be happy and enjoy this, enjoy this time in my life, enjoy this feeling, and enjoy Dean, and love Dean, as much as I possibly can.