2002-09-05 - 12:14 a.m.

So in my dream I was sleeping normally in my bed in my LA apartment. This is the first time I have had a dream set in my apartment here. In my dream I remember being very very hot (no wonder, it's really hot here and I fell asleep under a down comforter!) and in my dream I couldn't move the blankets or get out of bed. I thought my mom was nearby, and I called out to her "Mom, Mom, Mom . . ." and I'm sure if Dean had been in bed with me last night in waking life he would have heard me talking in my sleep. She came near, but not close enough, and I really wanted to be with her. I wanted her to hug me and hold me, and she was turned around and couldn't hear me. She wasn't ignoring me, i was simply unable to raise my voice above a whisper.

I woke up feeling ALONE.

I wanted to talk to someone, and the only person I could think of to call was Dean. Sure, I have friends I could call in an EMERGENCY -- but no one else I could call at 3 am because I needed some companionship to keep me safe from the night. I called Dean, but he wasn't home. If he had been, I probably would have talked to him until dawn . . .

I had some important revelations, based on the dream, and others that followed simply from being in that dream-state while thinking about them.

1. Why the fuck am I living alone? Human beings are not supposed to live alone, we need closeness.

2. I have been given love many many times in my life, in the form of different friends/men in my life (Steve, Steev, Cory, Albert) and each time I have turned down love because I didn't feel I was suited to that person. Which may be true in some ways-- but suddenly last night I was gripped with the realization that these wonderful people had shown me LOVE. And that in some ways, love is a choice, and I could have let myself be loved by them, but I didn't.

And so I was thinking about Dean. Dean and I have had such good times with each other these last few weekends -- We have laughed alot and kissed alot, and no matter what we do with our time when we're together it always feels just right, and time goes by faster than expected. I am falling more and more in love with him each time we are together, as if I were being hypnotized -

And yet I still have felt myself hesitating, wondering if I should give him up for the prospect of someone else whom I have never met and don't know is out there.

Last night, at 3 in the morning, I wanted to talk to Dean. And it hit me, that i loved him, and he loved me. And that I had no reason to reject love. The only possible things I could think of to criticize Dean about are that he needs a haircut, my "friends" (i.e. La and Jim) think he's goofy, and he was born into this world 5 years after me. How RIDICULOUS to turn away from Dean because of those things! I mean, C'mon!

Dean is so intelligent, his wit is so sharply funny, he is so warm and generous and good hearted, so self-aware, so AWAKE, so spiritual - and more than anything he is so tender with me. I not only enjoy myself with him, but I am deeply touched by his presence in my life.

I wish I had more time to write today, and I wish I had been writing in this all along, to record all the things that have happened to me the last few weeks, and the things Dean has said to me - Because I have been happier than I've ever been, and things have been so magical . . .

Meanwhile, things with La and me are taking an unexpected turn - Maybe having Dean in my life has allowed me to feel truly loved, and has made me realize that I allowed this kind of happiness to be stolen from me once, and has also shown me that I can meet and be close with new people - Things with La and I are better than they ever have been and more relaxed and trusted too -

And so in the middle of the night last night I had a vision of my life as a hero's journey, and I didn't feel bad about the things that usually get me down (like mundanity, mediocrity) but instead I realized what an incredible amazing struggle it is to grow from childhood to adulthood to old age, and how epic, and a part of my epic journey had to do with La, and I felt as if we had been in Homer's the Odyssey, and as if we had been travelling companions on a great wooden ship, and suddenly, we had come to my island, and it was time for me to part, knowing I may never see my shipmate again, but it was as it should be --

And so things are good between me and La, and yet I feel the time is ripe for me to travel in a different direction.

She told me last night she wanted me to move away. She didn't need me anymore. These are things that are understood, and are positive -- and yet at the same time when she said them to me they hurt very much, and I realized last night when I had my bad dream, that I couldn't call her, that allthough she has meant more to me than anyone in my life, and has been more generous and loving to me and understanding of me than anyone, that she doesn't and won't treat me with the easy acceptance that Leslie does, and that she has a sister already, and a lover, and she pushes me away alot. Even after all these years -- and these things don't build up, they're very very very small - but they're sending me a signal, a positive one, and I'm finally listening. And I don't need her to change, I need to pair my life with someone else, and let our friendship lighten up.

Later in the morning, at 8 am I woke up dreaming of my highschool Speech Coach Sally, and in the dream we were all meeting at some random event, and she gave me a Christmas present, and just the fact that she got me a Christmas present in and of itself was such a thrill. I pened it, and it was a CAPE, a bright green hooded cape made of wool and felt, with the inside lined in waterproof silky material, so that the cape was reverseable. I tried it on, it fit perfectly, and it was a joyous and solemn moment at the same time when I realized how special the cape was. I woke up wanting to study Semiotics. (Maybe I will)

The last few nights I have been sleeping with Dean as he was down visiting me for the Labor Day weekend -and allthough I still dream when Dean is in my bed, I sleep so much more soundly, and feel so much more rested when I have slept with him. It feels good to sleep with Dean. It feels good to wake with Dean..

Is it possible that I could have a life where I woke up sleeping with someone each and every morning? Because I think I would like that.