2002-10-25 - 8:43 a.m.

But this morning, on my last day of my trip, well, technically that would be tomorrow, since tomorrow I take the train to Bucharest, but today is my last "fun" day, I woke up with a bad dream of sorts . . . When I had it I remembered that I have had this dream before . . .

The dream stars 3 people: Rosie O'Donnell, my "friend" Andrew, and this famous actor guy, I can't remember his name, but he has red hair which is sometimes blond, and he has starred in a lot of movies but isn't totally famous -- the first movie I ever saw him in was that john hughes movie with the girl who is a drummer, and he played her best friend who gave diamond earings to a snobby leah thomson . . . he was later in memphis belle . . . and recently he's been in alot of stuff, but for the life of me i can't remember his name . . . anyway in all these movies he plays very very sweet good guys . . .

I've had this dream recurring now 3 times, today was the third time. The first time it starred the actor dude, the second time Andrew, and this third time both of them . . .

Actor guy invites me to his house for sex. He's so good looking and sweet that I go for it, even though i know it's just going to be sex. But then he gets all kinky on me, and kind of humiliates me before we've even begun, so I put on my clothes and leave, but each time I'm totally shocked that he's acted like this, and I give him another chance just to be nice to me, but he really doesn't give a fuck about me, he just wants to fuck me, and about that time Rosie O'donnell shows up and laughs at me, and it turns out they're some kind of sick weirdos in a group together who enjoy humiliating people.

Same dream happened with Andrew as the main character. This makes sense, because I used to have a crush on Andrew before I fell in love with Dean, and because I feel unresolved about the way he so easily ignored me after making out with me . . .

I'm wondering why this dream today, now? I guess because I visited orphanages yesterday and saw how poorly the girls were treated . . . I wonder if I should say something to Andrew, take him out for coffee or something to talk this over with him so I feel more resolved? One part of me says he's not worth the oxygen, because I love my Dean and could care less about Andrew -- but the other part of me wonders if I'll keep having this dream and thinks I should just go up to him and be like - What's the deal, dude? I had a crush on you and you knew that and you were callous . . . Talks like that only work if the other person cares at all . . . I don't think he does care and maybe I should drop it, and just invite the alabama boys to my christmas party . . .