2003-01-31 - 9:12 a.m.

2 nights ago I dreamt about Pigboy, my first boyfriend who was a pervert. Why was he in my dreams? I have never once had a dream about him that I can recall, and definitely not since I dumped him lo those many many years ago. In the dream I was aware of my disgust for him, but I was kindhearted and he didn't seem mean and we weren't hateful to each other, but we weren't involved in any way relationship wise either.

But in the dream Pigboy and I were inside a house together one that had many many levels and layers and dimly lit hallways with short wooden staircases and paint of shades of fading white, brown dark red, dark green - The house was not so much a house as a labrynth of hallways with low cielings, and I made my way through it alone, remembering halfway through it that I had left my dress in a particular hallway and going back for it, and finding Pigboy's belongings left behind too, and I didn't pick them up but kept going through the maze. I was never frightened, it wasn't an alarming dream, it just was what it was . . .

Last night I had a dream that was more pleasant, except I can't remember the good part. I just remember my back tooth pulling out of my mouth, and me having trouble speaking because I had to clench my mouth to keep my tooth in place, and then realizing that my molar was folded over sideways in my mouth and pushing it back in place with my tounge - but it kept wanting to come out but it wasn't loose enough to fall all the way out and I wasn't pulling it because I was TERRIFIED of loosing my tooth.

What's up with the tooth dreams? I swear I have a version of this same dream once every 6 months or so - where I bite into something and my teeth fall out, or I feel my teeth loosening and have to put them back into place and clench my teeth and try not to work them over with my toungue?

I can't remember what we decided the tooth thing was about. La said it was about aging, and maybe that's true . . . but I can't help feeling there was something more . . .

But I have been having a little concern about my body lately. Low grade, because I never let anything get me down, and I'm not afraid of anything, I try to embrace change -- but I saw a vericose vein in my thigh yesterday. And then I went to work, and I ran into Ernesto, the man who owns the custodial service that cleans our building. And I guess it was the dress I had on, but Ernesto asked me if I was expecting - as in A BABY! Oh Gawd.

And Dean tells me all the time how beautiful I am -- and i believe him when he says it - You know, I really love him.