2003-02-19 - 7:36 p.m.

The time came and we made smoothies. They were yummy. And then we laughed and laughed together. And then we went outside,where it was early evening, the sun just going down, twilight, "the magic hour" and we traced geometrical patterns in the skies and communed with the trees and breathed with each other. And then we went inside and giggled some more.

And then it was intense. We separated, for some reason, and then it was like I was lost in myself, going round and round in circles in my brain. When I finally found Dean again, he wasn't feeling too hot either. And we were there for each other.

We did way too much. I lost my hold on everything I always took for granted as a part of me, as where I came from, as why I'm here, everything --

and then it was as if Dean and I had reached some place together, come through a challenge of EPIC proportions, and gone into pure bliss and extasy together, it was as if I had always loved Dean, since before I knew him, and as if we had known each other before, and as if the fact that he loved me, and I loved him, was the only thing in the world that I could count on as existing for sure, that i knew would never go away, and we were seeing each other as existing outside the boundaries of this planet, or even this reality . . .

and we lay together under the blanket making sure we were ok, and feeling good

and then the end of the trip was exhausting, just tiring, and disconnected, and boring and solitary

it was intense. And after the trip we just rested together for Sunday and Monday and things felt good, and right, and relaxed

and now I'm back in LA, having worked the last two days, and even though the effects have long since worn off, I am still sensitive to the world around me and the meaning of it all and the preciousness of the planet and the one-ness of everyone, and the dirty of LA is dulling, and i want to go back to the womb with Dean

It was the best and worst trip I've ever had, and things between me and Dean haven't changed, except maybe we feel even closer, but i feel very liminal still, like scribbling in my notebook and reading the invisibles and just trying to take it all in

i want to make the world a better place. i want to share my starry-vision. i want to bring about peace in the world through all means. i want a partner in making magic. i want to gaurd against being lulled to sleep. i want to guard against losing my identity in love for another person. i want to plant flowers and watch them bloom again and again. i want to get up the guts to change my reality