2003-04-30 - 6:12 p.m.

I arrived around 10 and we were supposed to go out, but instead we had great conversation and good wine. By the end of the night I was wearing a Star Trek Uniform and we were doing body shots with vodka and sugar! We never made it out of the house. The rest of the weekend was just ahhhhhh. And too short.

This week so far I've been catching up with my girls, it's hard to make time to see everyone in your life and still do the things you need to do for yourself. Last week was all about me reading the Invisibles and tripping out on how fantastic it is. This week is all about re-investing in friendships.

Monday night we said goodbye to Ronnie, our newest best friend, as she was leaving today for a new life in New Mexico. I really admire her and think it's great she took off across country just to go be alone and write a novel. She will be missed.

Afterwards, Leslie and I hung out with another friend who I hadn't seen in ages -- we talked about ghosts and aliens and almost nothing of our lives, and it was refreshing to laugh and be around people without constantly having to retell boring details of your daily life for chit chat.

Yesterday I found out Jill hasn't been around because she's joined AA. I totally support her not drinking, and getting healthy and happy, but i am truly worried about her - because her eyes seemed a little glazed over and she was really down on herself, and she kept talking about how bad she was for being an addict and how she didn't have control and how great her new friends at AA were -- and I just hope she doesn't get stuck in that. I mean, if it helps her -great -- but hopefully it will just be a phaze.

I worry that they will tell her to drop all her friends who drink, and that her friends who drink will drop her. I'm afraid she'll believe that and so i'm going to try extra hard to be her friend and prove them wrong.

But I mostly worry that she's all down on herself, and seems more depressed rather than less, because she thought she was some kind of extremist and was feeling bad for being 22 years old and drinking cocktails! I think she just needs something to hang on to . . .

Then there was Buffy night(OMIGOD I'm so SAD that show is going off the air) And La got really drunk and was really crummy to me.

And I don't know what to do about this ongoing situation. Because she's also going through a hard time right now and fears distance growing between us, but things that I used to laugh off are really starting to wear on me. The way there can be tension between us but instead of letting it go or talking it out, right in front of people she calls me out! And she says words that aren't mean, but definitely not necessary.

And she told the other gals there about the brief sexual experience we had. Which just isn't cool, cuz it's been so long ago, she didn't check with me before she revealed personal details of my life, and allthough it's not that big of a deal it's just the way she talks about it that hurts my feelings too.

What actually happened is that one time in a bar we got really drunk and went to the bathroom and had about 5 minutes or less of kissing and then there was a little kissing below the belt. It meant alot to me afterwards, because of how much I felt for her at the time, but she said she wasn't into it. So for a while afterward she would mention it just to be like, I don't want that, which I always thought was mean. Fine, I got over it years ago and now I don't even think about it.

But lately she's been bringing it up like it's a huge deal talking about our "sexual relationship" and how we used to "have sex" which I know is a matter of semantics, but I really don't consider what happened sex. If so, I'd have to say I'd had sex with every guy that I made out with! And it just wasn't necessary. Then she went on to the girls about how we feel for each other like lovers without the sex, but that's just not appropriate for public conversation either! And it's really not true -- we are as close as we could possibly be without being lovers, close as family, but it's just not like the way you relate to a lover.

Anyway, the thing is, when she's drunk I can't tell her that she's being such a bad drunk because she would really go off on me and be really mean, and i just don't want the abuse. And when she's sober, she feels so crummy about being drunk, she really feels bad, the very last thing I want to do is make her feel bad or wound her and tell her about the night before. . .

If I don't say anything, I know this will come to a head anyway, maybe I should just wait for it. Life is too short to get all ruffled about an occasional situation!

Ok, I gotta go . ..