2003-05-01 - 11:38 p.m.

My computer has been out of commission all spring. It feels soooo good to be able to get it together on my home computer. Now my novel is recovered! I can search for new jobs! I can update the websites I've been neglecting! i can instant message my love! hooray!

This means, of course, I'm back to smoking more. I'm back to computing on the patio, with wine and cigarettes, my writing habit. Not sure if this is a good or bad thing yet.

switching gears . . .

I found out some sad news tonight. A woman from my church growing up in Abilene died. Her name was Debbie. My mom emailed me. She was like a second mom to me, and her husband Ron a second dad.

My mom was a youth minister, and her son was in the youth group, and this was when i was a pre-teen. Her son Todd was gay, so he dropped out of high school because of all the teasing. So he went to Beauty College, following in his mother's footsteps. He gave me my first perm. When he grew up and left Abilene, he found out he had aids, and came home to live with his parents when it got bad. His parents, who had previously been ruffled by his gayness, handled this situation beautifully, with so much love. They told everyone in the church, so we could all be there for Todd. They didn't want any gossip or embarassment - at the time AIDS wasn't really understood yet. They just poured love on him. And then he died, and they were the saddest parents.

And Debbie did my hair for every big deal in my life, and whenever my mom was out of town i got to stay with them, they were my favorites, and she let me just do whatever i want or watch mtv at her house and she just poured out love on me. And Ron walked me down the aisle of my coming out tea in place of my dad, who couldn't be there. It meant alot to me. And after Todd died I think our relationship meant alot to them, because they had helped raise me.

I never thought I could wish I could go back to Abilene, but I wish I could be there to hug Ron now. I'm going to send him a letter anyway, about how much they meant to me. I wish there was more I could do. I haven't spoken to them in a few years.

Life is full of constant reminders about how short it is, and how important it is to love people. It seems like that's the most important meaning to life that there is.

switching gears again . . .

Jim's moving back to LA. I talked to him tonight. He's finishing this semester out, then dropping out of grad school. Because of the money he says, he doesn't want to take on loans. I wonder if his parents just decided not to help him with school anymore, he didn't say. If that's not the case, then I don't know what he's thinking. He's already taken out so much in loans. A few more thousand dollars isn't going to make a difference. And grad school is such a good thing for him! Maybe he's not doing well, or afraid he won't do well, I know some grad schools kick you out if you're not making mostly A's - again, he didn't say.

But now is not a good time for him to move back. He doesn't have a car anymore, and he doesn't have a job or a place to live. He's got what it takes to get a job, it's just going to be so hard on him, and he's going to be so lonely here in LA.

Because the thing is it's just too soon. I think he thinks he might get back with La, but she's been clear with him about that, it's just going to be much harder on them being so close and trying to be friends without being together. It's going to be really hard on La.

La asked me yesterday if I liked her as much as Leslie and Chrissy. Of course of course! I mean, she knows I love her like family, but I guess things between us have been a little off lately. I feel bad that she thought that, I think she's so amazing.

There are alot of other thoughts spinning in my head these days . . . Mostly about quantum physics and energy. I heard this physicist on the radio the other day (on Coast to Coast!) Dr. Kaku and he was talking about the state of physics today and string theory and basically how they all actually believe that there are 10 dimensions to our universe, and an infinate number of parallel universes, and that they're building machines at the University of Colorado to detect the vibrations of other parallel universes and how bubbles between the universes do happen and one day, when human civilization has reached its 4th stage, we'll be able to make machines to generate enough energy to create those bubbles/time travel/universe travel ourselves! He says we haven't yet reached the 1st stage of human civilization yet, that will happen within the next 50-100 years when we have a totally global culture/economy/law - the other stages involve peace and technology and conciousness jumps i think. It totally blew my mind!

It's exciting to think that we're witnessing such a fast stage in human evolution, that the internet is one halmark of global information sharing, that we're spinning towards a new mode of human culture and existence! This reminds me much of the Invisibles.

And I'm tripping out on all the "coincidences" and connections between things. More connections are made in my mind every day.

And I'm thinking of starting to learn about chakras and meditation and yoga and tapping into my own energy, learning to open up my own energy, share that with another person, start on the next stage of raising my own consciouness, by paying attention to my body and its energy. I've always pretty much ignored my body, spiritually speaking, so this is a new step for me.

I gotta go - it's late!