2003-06-02 - 5:40 p.m.

Late that first night when we were all hitting our stride Dad started complimenting me, saying all the things as a little girl you want your father to tell you when you're all grown up. It was touching. And then he turned to Dean and Dean started saying those things too. How I was smart and beautiful and fun. It made me feel soooo happy and loved.

The rest of the weekend consisted of mostly sight-seeing with the family, and smoking up with the family. Dean and I only got to sneak off for one night, but it was a wonderful night. We went to the beach at Sandy Cove and watched the stars together, and made out, and we could have gone on forever like that if it hadn't been too cold out. It was one of those nights that I wish every night could be -- where Dean and I were just in our own world, secret and beautiful and fun and just for us.

When I got back from Canada I found out I had gotten a call about a job, at the most fantastic library imaginable! I sooooo want the job! So I interviewed on Thursday and we'll see. I just wanna get out of the ghetto!

This weekend I went to a Romanian Mission Conference and gave a speach about NOROC. The conference sucked, and totally reminded me why I avoid the church. The christians were so snotty to me. The romanians, however, were totally friendly. Sunday my mom called, all the way from Romania, only the 2nd or 3rd time I've spoken to her on the phone in 3 years, and she told me more about the kids there. I'm going to devote a diary entry to it soon, and post her letters here, just in case someone actually reads this, because the condition of the orphans she works with has been bearing on my heart so much, and something has to happen, only severe prayer and magic can help at this point.

So my waking mind has been occupied with thoughts of a new job, my heart has been occupied by my mother's kids, and at night I've been having very intense dreams. I dreamt the other day that there was a massive flood, and I knew it and other people had left the neighborhood, but even as the water had risen to waist deep inside all the homes, my aunt Betty and my father, in their separate houses, hadn't left. They were still sitting and determined that they would wait out the storm. So I went back for them, and then I was caught up in a swirling tidepool with them. Somehow I knew that they were staying, but I was going to make it out . . .

I guess, if you interpret water to represent feelings/emotions -- then in this dream Dad and Betty were representing to me people who allthough they were immersed in their own feelings they were ignoring their lives, not moving on, and my challenge in the dream was to immerse myself in the feelings but to remain aware and know when it was time to move forward and out of danger . . .

I got an answer to another dream from years ago last night. Last night, after hot-tubbing (I am SO EXCITED that our hot-tub is finally working! Just in time for the last month I'm in the apartment!)Chrissy read my tarot. She read from a deck called "The Lover's Tarot" so it was meant to talk about me and my love-life. This is something we girls do from time to time for giggles, just like when we would read yearbooks and talk about the boys we had crushes on in highschool.

So the first card, the card that represented me was The Sun. Childlike. The Card for my past was the Lovers, but inverted (Chrissy said it had to do with a relationship of opposites, with problems with power and control.I take this to mean the faults with my previous relationships, where I allowed myself to be dominated). The Card for my present was The Hanged Man (Chrissy said this was a very esoteric, spiritual, ethereal card. It speaks of a current lover who is sensitive, ambiguous, spiritual, and a problem with no present solution -- like living far away.) The Card for my influences was the Death Card ( I think representing my own destructive psyche from the past, where-in I thought I could only deserve love, happiness, or pleasure by first going through intense pain, loss, heartache).

But the kicker -- My future card. I got card #14 for Temperance. This card represents a happy balanced future that comes from acceptance of change. So the card talks about alot of change ahead, and a happy future if you just go with the flow. It's a card of balance, so relationship wise it's really good, because it means that my future relationship is balanced.

Ok, the kicker part is that Chrissy mentioned that the card was #14 and that it represented also the menstrual cycle and the 14th day of the cycle, the most fertile. I had never heard this before in my life. And yet -- I dreamed of this on new years 3 years ago!!! And I didn't know what it meant, and I've been waiting for an answer ever since . . .

In my dream, I bled, and I kissed Ryan who was dressed as a priest, but it didn't really have to be or represent Ryan, and I got a message, that we would be together after I bled 14 times. But I didn't really have the sense that it was Ryan in real life -- but that it was the love of my life, whoever that would be. After 14 months, nothing happened, and I was confused. And then I thought the dream didn't have to do with time, but it it was more of a sign. And I knew that when I encountered this message again in my life, it would mean that I had met the love of my life.

When I got the card, and Chrissy spoke about it, I got chills -- I finally feel like I understand my dream more, and I think it's entirely possible that I have just met the love of my life . . .