2003-06-06 - 4:45 p.m.

The news is simply depressing. Work is mind-nummbing. I know there are exciting things to think about and talk about out there, but my mind is really drawing a blank. I have got to buy some books or something.

It's the existential crisis of life that gets to me in moments like this. Where I just feel like "This is it? This is all there is?" You become conscious of the fact that everything you do in life is just a distraction for your mind, a way ot fill up time, so you don't get bored like this, so you don't start thinking about how pointless everything is in the scheme of things. How small you are in the world, how very little career and money matter when you only have a brief existence on this planet.

Where is the human race going? How can I contribute to its future? These questions persevere in my mind at all times and I feel that I am doing nothing to contribute to the progression of thought in the world.

Hence, my decision to go to grad school. At least for a few years I will have a goal to occupy my time and deadlines and projects that are in some way contributing to my future, instead of a job which contributes to the future of a company or agency for no reson. (I'm secretly really scared I won't get in, and then what would become of me?)

This is very likely the reason why I am so obsessed with the concept of love, with being in love, with having a lover, with loving Dean. Because Love is a universal concept throughout human existence; it is what artists and writers of all times are concerned about; it is what every human no matter how poor is capable of having and achieving; it is understood by all; and in the end it is your relationships withother people on the planet that testify to who you are and were; it is through loving other people that you are remembered after you are gone. And in the meantime, love is an inexhaustable source of joy and happiness.

I think alot about having a companion in life, someone to love and trust completely and wholly. Can that really happen for me?

I think for some people their works of art become their companions. They invest their love in the making of things like a novel. I wish I had a good idea. I'm dying to start another novel. I feel so stoopid sometimes and unimaginative and unaccomplished.

That's the other great thing about love. When someone loves you, you don't trip out on yourself in a bad way. How can you when someone is adoring you and giving you kisses? You feel so good! and cherished.

In other news . . . The Jacarandas are in bloom. Jacarandas are trees that come from South America originally, they have green feathery leaves and for about 2 months in May and June they bloom with these incredibly purple blossoms that don't fall off right away. They're my favorite trees, favorite flowers. Just driving past them makes me smile, makes me glad I came to California.

Another thing I love to drive past, that makes me smile, is the Tony Curtis mural on the 101 by the Western Ave. exit. I drive past Tony every morning, and he just makes my day.

Tonight I drive to Santa Cruz! I'm not looking forward to the drive at night, cuz I get sketchy feeling on the road at night -- but I get Coast to Coast all the way! and at the other end of the drive is Dean . . .

Hey, i just remembered, my 27th birthday is in 2 weeks. No wonder I'm having an existential crisis! Whew! I'm glad to know there's a reason for that one. I feel much better having a cause for this.