2003-11-03 - 6:50 p.m.

First, this is my horoscope for the month. And let me tell you sister, it is *speaking* to *me*. (Just as an aside:I think Susan Miller is the best astrologist there is - she not only knows her heavens but she's an inspiring writer, too.)

So basically there are two eclipses this month, both in my sign, and one is on Novemer 8th (which is also the day of the biggest Harmonic Convergence of the last 4,000 years). Anyway, Susan just wrote that I'm soon to start a 7 year period, and that this month preceeding that I'm at my most creative, and the full moon eclipse is part of what is boosting my ability right now to choose my future. She said that big change is on the horizon, especially having to do with career goals, and that it was time to focus on my creativity and take a leap of faith and pursue what my heart desires I do for a career path, even if it isn't the logical choice.

And it's funny that I just read this, because I could *feel* this period of heightened intuition inside me, and creativity, and focus on career matters, and I *have* been working on making some tough long-term decisions.

I saw Steve the screenwriter the other day. I don't know what else to call him, I know so many Steves! I guess I could call him Power House Steve since I met him there. But anyway, I digress -- When I saw him he told me that the period of years 27 to 35 are the years that are most creative for artists. Of course there are plenty of examples of people creating great things at all ages, but Steve was reading something talking more generally that was talking about how those years are a particulary intensive phaze in a person's life, after a person has gained some experience with life and is able to make use of that . . . It's funny that he would mention me entering a 7 year period in my life, at the same time that Susan Miller is saying that Gemenis are starting a new 7 year phaze . . .

Anyway, the way I make decisions is I tend to go with my intuition. That is to say, I let thing decide themselves inside of me. I try never to do anything I'm not jazzed about doing. And this grad school thing -- I've been jazzing myself up on the one hand, but it's been kind of forced inside me. I have really dreaded the recommendation and application process. Which is SILLY because it is an EASY process.

So I had to assess my own motivations. Ask myself why I'm procrastinating on this. Is it because I'm being self-destructive and trying to undermine my own success? Is it because I don't think I'm capable of grad school? Is it because I secretly don't want to move to Santa Cruz? Is it because I still have residual fear of authority figures?

And the answers to these were :

I KNOW I'm capable. I'm not undermining myself! I am in love with Santa Cruz (and Dean). I do have risidual fear of authority figures, but not bad enough to keep me from doing what I want to do.

So the only conclusion I could draw is that I just don't want to do this, at least not right now. I've had a very hard time deciding what subject to go to school in, that was the first tip-off. And when I thought about being a college professor - I DO want to teach and do that. That has been my motivating factor all along. But there is one desire of mine that is like a trump card in this hand of decisions: My genuine desire to write and publish.

I told myself grad school would bring me publishing contacts - it would! But the thing about it is: I would be working full time-going to school full time, having assignments and dissertations, for up to Five years . . . And during that time I KNOW ME and I could see myself using grad school as an excuse not to do what my heart desires most of all . . . I could picture myself feeling guilty every time I sat down to read a fiction novel or write a poem -- thinking "I should be doing my homework/researching my disseration."

And I have to admit, another big motivating factor in going to grad school was not losing face with my parents, who have their PhDs and think I'm "flighty" (to quote my mom from 3 weeks ago.) My mom said to me when she visited "You need to go to grad school to become a librarian (since my work would pay for it) because it would be free! Don't go to grad school in anything else, because you can't afford it. Start thinking with your HEAD, not your HEART!"

And I realized . . . all the way along, I *have* been thinking with my heart and not my head, and look where it got me: HAPPINESS. It brought me to Los Angeles, in this wonderful old house with my friends from the South; it brought me to California, to palm trees and ocean beaches; it brought me to heartbreak and redemption by love; it brought me to fucked up crazy nights that made me understand the world from new perspectives; it brought me to the *me* I am today. If I had followed my head, I would have my MA in Library Science by now, but I never would have met the people i know now, I never would have braved a move to the west coast, I never would have learned to laugh and to weep the way I do . . .

And so (in the spirit of Robert Frost) I see two roads diverging into yellow wood - and I am taking the one less traveled by . . . I am going to move to Santa Cruz next year to be near Dean and near nature, I'm going to take an hourly job if need be, and I'm going to really WRITE.

All of this just sort of came into my head as I was talking things out with Dean over dinner. And you know he was so supportive of my plan to go to grad school. But when all of this was coming out of my mouth and I was thinking aloud to Dean, he was so positive about this new plan. He told me that, not as a boyfriend but just as a person, he thought I wrote well and had the potential to be a writer. And he said he didn't ever think I needed grad school. He pointed out all of my favorite writers and artists and thinkers who don't have grad degrees, but are just *doing it.* And he made me feel so *wanted* as a part of his life in Santa Cruz! And as we talked all of these things I've been thinking of just coagulated by the process of me speaking them, and I knew I had made the right decision for me.

So here's the worst case scenario: That I fuck up. That Dean breaks my heart. That I end up in Santa Cruz with a crappy job. That I find that I am truly too lazy to be a writer or an artist.

This doesn't scare me. My spirit can't be crushed by hard times, I know I can start again. If nothing else, I can still go back to grad school or help my mom in Romania.

But maybe, it'll turn out like this:

I find my niche in Santa Cruz. I surprise myself by how hard I work to make my dream come true, reading and researching on my own and finding my own writing style and writing things that really touch people- and if I can't get my work published by someone else I find a way to self-publish. Dean and I remain crazy in love and make each other really, really happy. I keep in close contact with my girls and drive to see them throughout the year. Dean and I are able to go travelling, because I'm not tied to grad school!

So again I choose not the smart thing, but the thing that feels right . . . maybe I'm too self-gratifying -- but I really believe that in life you have to go where the spirit moves you . . .

I also have to trust in my friendships with the girls, that they would survive the long distance again -- but I can't go making decisions based on my friends any more than basing it on a boyfriend -- I have to trust that I am loved and supported by my friends, and that I won't let myelf down, either, by letting my friendships suffer . . .

And so with this I begin preparation -- loving my friends and solidifying those relationships, saving money and putting myself in the best position to start a new life, continuing to cherish Dean and never take him for granted, beginning new writing projects . . .

P.S:I can't believe my mom thinks I act too much from my heart -- It seems to me that I think and write and plan so much I'm always in my head! It's funny how other people see you so different from how you see yourself . . .