2004-01-22 - 12:42 p.m.

My life is going so great, and I am so happy and excited about life and full of energy and love . . . and then just at the moment I think my life couldn't get any better - it gets worse.

My trouble is money. This is everyone's problem. I usually don't stress over money - I have the attitude that when you really need it, you can find a way to make it. But my things have gotten really bad this time, and I just don't know what to do. Or rather, I know what to do, I just don't want to do it.

To make a long story short - I make enough money to pay my bills and have enough left over to do fun things from time to time - like to pay the extra gas to drive to Santa Cruz once or twice a month and go to the movies or out for a couple of drinks a couple times a month. This is me blatantly ignoring all of my old credit card bills, but I think my day to day happiness is more important.

But when things come along that don't fit into that, I just can't pay them. Period. Parking tickets. Overdraft fees. Going to the dentist. I just can't afford them.

So now I have 400 dollars in parking tickets, and because they're in my mom's name, they're on her credit. I didn't want to have to break down and tell her about them, because 1) I don't want her to pay them with the tiny salary money she makes from helping orphans 2)I don't want to her to be upset with me.

I'm 27, I should be able to take care of myself by now, right?

So my aunt chewed me out about these bills, and I deserve it, I wish I could pay them, and I spent money at Christmas instead of paying my mom's parking tickets, but I just love Christmas so much and honestly I can't resist my impulses to buy presents at Christmas, I just couldn't do it, I just don't want to appear broke and needy. Is it wrong that I'm still pissed at my aunt because of the tone she took with me about this?

But I am broke and needy.

On top of it all, I bounced a bunch of $5 check card purchases -- causing me $200 bucks in overdraft fees (33 dollars each!). This is what caused me to really break down this morning. When it rains, it pours. My money is direct depositted, so it comes straight out of that -- And on top of that they charged me 2 charges of 5 dollars as "Continual Overdraft Charge" - basically they charged me a fee to charge me a fee. I HATE BANKS!

I'm so mad at the banks. WHAT A SCAM. And yet there is No way to function in our society without a bank account. We have become dependent on banks. This is part of the conspiracy, you understand.

And another part of the conspiracy - TAXES. There's another scam that takes 1/3 of my income, and 8.25 percent on every purchase I make. To pay to kill Americans in Iraq and to line the pockets of Haliburton. But I digress.

And on top of that -- I owe La's parents $650 from last summer that i just don't have.

So what am I going to do? I have to 1)get a second, part time job - I really don't want to do this because it means not seeing my boyfriend - It means working weekends instead of going to Santa Cruz (This is what it making me the saddest) and 2)sell my guitar -- I really don't want to do this, because I love my guitar, and I won't be able to afford to replace it.

The other option that I have decided against is to borrow money from my mom (orphan money)or friends, which I just refuse to do, because i'll never be able to repay it. I still owe my Dad $1500 from 3 years ago. I just can't take the money from friends or family. Plus I feel crummy, I'm too old.

I know this isn't so bad. I'm not starving. "You've never missed a meal" as my grandpa used to remind me, whenever we complained about not having something. And he was right. I have never missed a meal. I still have a place to live, a car, a great job, friends, I found the love of my life, what more do I need?

I have to bite the bullet and get another job and sell my guitar and I'm sad about it. WAH.