2004-02-12 - 2:09 p.m.

It was a little weird, though - There were all these Hollywood types there, asking me and my girls questions like "What do you do?" and when we say "Photographer" (Leslie) and "Secretary and Future Novelist" (Me)the ask the question again - "No, Really?" They just can't believe that we're not in the film industry, not there to schmooze, that we're actually just there because we're friends with Steve.

I only had 1 cocktail - again. (Gin & Tonic) If I keep drinking like that, pretty soon I'm going to lose my reputation as an alcoholic!

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I am, however, having all these Hollywood type moments lately. I saw Paris Hilton and her boyfriend in the parking lot of the Farmer's Market on Sunday. These things remind you that what you see on TV is not real . . . or real, depending on how you look at it . . . definitely surreal.

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I had the weirdest dreams last night/this morning. I woke to a sex dream where I was having a sexual relationship with my cousin. Weird! Chris is really cool -- but I haven't even seen him in 3 years and dude, he's my cousin! Bizarre-er still (if Bizarre-er is a word)is that after Chris left, I went to a hotel room for sex with young man who was a midget! In the dream, he was hot, I promise. WEIRD.

If only I had more control of my subconscious. I'd much rather be dreaming of Dean!

I'm just really glad that Dean is coming to LA tomorrow night. I am really "in the mood" and I can't wait to be with him. I still have not learned the finer points of masterbation, so the pressure's on. (I know that makes me crazy or frigid or something, please don't give me a lecture because this is my diary and I am allowed to be honest with myself here)

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I was printing an address on an envelope this afternoon, and as I walked to the printer to retrieve the envelope, I looked outside the window and saw clear skies and the beautiful Santa Monica mountains, beyond them, the ocean -- And I suddenly had this strange sense of de-ja-vu -- and what ran through my mind was my own voice looking back on this moment in time and thinking "I used to print envelopes as a part of my job," commenting on how idyllic and meaningless and quiet my life is now, and I pictured the Getty as it would be if it were abandoned, stones fallen and dusty and crumpled office paper idly blowing around, and it was like I was in knowledge of the future, a time when there were more important things to worry about like survival.

These kinds of thoughts happen to me from time to time, and I wonder:

Is this really the future? Or am I just having an idle fantasy?

By thinking this kind of thing, do I bring that kind of future on, make it more likely to happen?

Will I live to a ripe old age with children and grand children and stories and laughter and plenty and a safe happy home? or is that just optimism?

Or will there really be a giant shift in our lifestyle, will the bottom fall out in our economy, will there be war on our soil? Or is that just pessimism?

I think it's better to err in the way of optimism. But I wonder if anybody else ever has weird de-ja-vu-like post-apocalyptic thoughts like that?