2004-02-19 - 1:05 p.m.

So, you may remember that he wrote me last fall, and I decided not to write him back. But then, the thought that he was out there thinking that there was nothing wrong with the way he treated me and I might actually want to be his friend really got to me. So after all these months, I decided to write him after all. I needed closure. I needed to be clear with him. I didn't want him to pop up in my future again.

In a minute I'm going to post here what I wrote to him, and then his response. I just wanted to put this all here for people to read and take heart in the fact that sometimes things in life do work out just like they should.

Sometimes Miracles DO Happen.

I got another chance to stand up for myself after the fact, and this Badguy regretted the error of his ways and apologized. Maybe he has changed. I hope that's true, for his own happiness. It doesn't change what happened to me, it doesn't make me want to befriend him ever, but it does bring me a final resolution to this strange sad drama.

It also restores my faith in humanity, to be reminded that the human heart is infinite in its ability to change.

*******

So, without further adue, Here is my letter:

"Dear Badguy,

I received your letter from last fall that you wrote to my former e-mail address. At first I did not respond, but after giving it some thought I have decided to write in order to help you understand what happened between us. I do not want to leave anything open-ended between us.

At that time that I met you, I was 19, and extremely inexperienced. I was eager to begin dating, and was vulnerable to the influence of anyone who would have come along into my life at that time. You were much older than me, far more experienced in life and in sex than me. The main error in our relationship is that we were not equals. We were not peers.

You were old enough to have fully developed your sexual rituals and desires, and you might have chosen to date someone also experienced and sexually compatable with yourself. Instead, you chose to date a young girl and teach her how to please you.

You were old enough to have intelligent conversations with your colleages in graduate school, and you might have chosen to date someone equal in age and education who could debate with you based on her own educated opinions. Instead, you chose to date a young girl and educate her in your interests.

You were old enough, and experienced enough in relationships, to know how to treat someone with love and respect. You always professed your love and caring for me. Yet you consistently disregarded my feelings and acted out of convenience for yourself. Do you remember the many times I called my friends to pick me up from your house because you said you were too tired to drive me home? Do you remember counselling me against my family and friends? Do you remember calling me and asking for phone sex when I was in the hospital in Texas? Do you remember not even visiting me when I was in the hospital in Atlanta? Do you remember having me take Marta across town to have dinner with you, and then taking Marta home, on my own birthday, because you were attending a fantasy convention and you were spending the night in the hotel room of another girl? Do you remember making friends with highschool girls and taking pictures of them in lingerie while we were dating? Do you remember calling me �age-ist� when I objected?� Do you remember cheating on me with an even younger girl who went to my same school, then asking me to be her friend and sleep in the same bed with her, and then buying her lingerie and taking her out on a date with us on Valentine�s day?

I know there were ways in which you tried to make me happy, and I know that you have reasons and rationalizations for all of the mistakes I mentioned above. After listening to your rationalizations for the 2+ years I spent with you I learned to doubt myself; I learned to believe that one needed to have proper justification for feeling a feeling (like anger or hurt). Being with you damaged my self esteem and left me feeling worthless for not having the courage to leave a relationship in which I was so miserable.

I was glad to hear that you had surgery and are now in better health. It was true that I contacted Tracy when you were recovering and asked about your condition. I did care for you, and I genuinely wish you good health and happiness. I hope you understand why we can never be friends.

Sincerely,

Dreamself"

*********

And his surprising response:

"Dreamself...

I wanted to write to you to let you know that after many years of thinking about it, i realized that you were right about much of it and i was wrong. Not that it took that long to realize it, but it took that long for me to have the courage to tell you. I didn't know if that address was yours, and didn't want to say anything to a perfect stranger. I know we won't ever be friends, and i won't email you again, but i felt that i really should apologize to you because you deserve at least that.

When we dated i was at the most arrogant point in my life. I thought i knew much, when in reality i didn't. I don't know if you know or not, but i had a major surgery a little over a year after we broke up. The reason i was/am tired all the time is i have 50% less lung capacity than a normal person. For years i managed to live normally, but then gradually it began to effect my life. That is why i was tired all the time. My doctor doesn't even know how i get out of bed. I had surgery to correct it, but it didn't help much. The increasing severity of my illness, surgery, recovery etc. was quite a humbling experience, and i'm trying to learn from my mistakes. And the biggest mistake i ever made was how i treated you. You deserved much better.

I wanted you to know that i really did love you, and there is no excuse or justification for the wrong things i did. At the time i rationalized it all to my self, but now i realize i was just making excuses for being selfish. I also wanted you to know that i did not set out to make our relationship like that. I wanted to date you because you are a wonderful and special person, not because i thought you were easily manipulated. In fact, it wasn't until much later that i realized that i had. Perhaps i just didn't want to see it, but it wasn't until much after our relationship that i understood. I didn't deliberately set out to make our relationship like that - i thought i was mature and sophisticated when in reality i was deluding my self.

Although there are several excuses i could write, what it all comes down to is i was wrong, and i should have treated you the way you deserved. I believed i knew best, when in fact all i was doing was rationalizing me being self-centered. It was wrong, and i apologize. You deserved better.

love,

Badguy"