2004-12-14 - 12:42 p.m.

At 3:15 when he hadn't come home, I went on to bed. I figured he'd be in any minute, and would come into the bedroom and kiss me goodnight -- So I went to bed and got under the covers and closed my eyes.

But I didn't sleep -- I was still waiting for him to come in at any moment, until I suddenly got an uneasy feeling that he wasn't coming home, that something might have happened to him. I sat up and checked the clock -- It said 3:39 (which is about 10 minutes fast, the time was almost 3:30) From that time on, I lay in bed with my eyes open. I just knew that something was wrong. I kept expecting the phone to ring, but it didn't.

At 4:45 I heard Dean come through the door - Boy was I relieved to have him home!!

It turns out Dean had been in a car accident at around 3:30 -- with a deer! He had been driving down a dark twisty mountain road and a big buck jumped out immediately in front of his car and he instantly hit it -- The car is undriveable, the deer lost its life, but Thank God Dean was ok!! A cop came by and called AAA for him and his car was towed and he got a ride home. Dean said a prayer for the deer.

After the initial shock and hug period, Dean and I really had to laugh about it, i mean it is kind of unexpectedly funny that a giant deer would bound out of the darkness and destroy Dean's car.

But then I got to thinking how lucky he was that the accident happened the way it did: If the deer had hit the windsheild, if it had been earlier in the evening and other cars were on the road with Dean, if there were a car behind him, if the road had been wet, if Dean were driving a flimsier car, if the car had swerved into the trees -- Dean might have been injured or worse.

It's the first time I had really considered Dean's mortality -- how easily something could happen that could damage our fragile bodies -- how devastated I would be if something happened to Dean --

I have loved Dean steadily for the last 2 and a half years, but in that instant the other night my love grew a new fierceness, a protective fire. Dean is not only the love of my life -- he is my family now.

So, last night we put up our HOT PINK METALIC CHRISTMAS TREE, and it's beautiful (of course!) and as we sat in each other's arms and looked at the tree's glitterly glow I felt RIGHT, I felt happy from deep deep inside me, I felt LOVE.

MERRY MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!!