2004-12-16 - 4:41 p.m.

He sounded shaken on the phone. "Are you scared, Dad?," I asked him. He said he was a little, but he was still in shock and it hadn't hit him yet. He has sounded really weird on the phone the last couple of times I talked to him - antsy - and antsy to get off the phone. Now I know why.

Last night, I was shaken, too. So I had some cigarettes and a couple of cocktails and some hugs from Dean. I felt a little better.

I guess it didn't really hit me until today -- That this person who called me, this person who lives far away, this person who will be going to the hospital and who will be scared and suffering,

that's my *Daddy*

I drove around this afternoon with tears on the tip of my eyes all day.

This isn't supposed to happen to my dad! My dad is a good person who helps people! He needs to be in good health to help his patients! And he isn't so old, not old enough to get you-know-what. And my dad is loving and kind and jolly, and he takes care of his health, and he takes care of his family -- He can't be the one who gets sick! It's not fair!

So I'm worried about him. But I guess I'm not worried that he's gonna die or anything, I mean, surely it's not as serious as all that -- I just hate to think of him going through such an awful ordeal, and I hate it that i live far away where I can't be there every day to check up on him and bring him flowers and cheer him up and drive him to the doctor and stuff like that.

If he goes into the hospital, I am definitely going up to Canada to be with him. I will find a way.

I am going to start doing good health magic for him TONITE