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2004-12-22 - 3:42 p.m. I talked to Dad again last night. His cancer is progressing rapidly. He has a Griebel (sp?) score of 7. He will be taking another bunch of tests the first week in January to see if it's spread to other parts of his body. The doctor told him he had a 62% chance of survival over ten years -- meaning a 62% chance that he would beat this and it wouldn't come back within 10 years -- But Dad wasn't encouraged by this, there are so many possible side effects to the treatments he may have to undergo that he is very discouraged. Naturally.Last night I just felt really lousy and Dean came and lay down with me in bed for a long time, even though it was early in the evening, I just didn't feel like doing anything except laying in bed in the dark, and Dean came and lay with me, and I sniffled and he didn't say anything, he just held me for a long long time, and I realized that I wasn't so much crying for Dad, as I was crying out of being profoundly touched that Dean was with me, that Dean is here for me, that I have him to go through life with, to stand up with me, it means everything that he is my companion in life and best friend Then we got dressed in outrageous outfits and went to 7-11 to purchase wine coolers as we had nothing in the house at all to drink and Dean is brave and unafraid to drink wine coolers with me. We came back and watched The English Patient, so I had an excuse for a good cry. Today I feel crummy because I had a super awesome present for Dean planned and I just haven't been in the mood to work on it, and especially in the last couple of days which were supposed to have been my main working time on this present. I feel kinda down because he spoils me so much, he is just so good to me, and I just wish I could reciprocate as much, I wish that I had better presents for him this year, or that I had actually made this present I had in mind. I can still give it to him for Valentine's day, but I'm just sad that I don't have it ready, not even in a partial state where I can show him, now. Procrastination is my preferred form of self-punishment, it seems. I know I'll be back in the Christmas spirit again as soon as I see Dean tonight, who just so totally cheers me up and makes me laugh out loud all the time. Only 3 days until Christmas!!
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